Day 10

9:48am: My last salt water flush!!!! Hallelujah!

7:52pm: Okay...so I just caved. I had a cigarette. My rationale is that it is my last day of the cleanse and one cigarette was not going to pollute my body so much that it will erase the past ten days. It was also a kind of celebratory thing that... this whole time all I kept telling myself was that all I had to do was just get through class today and I was golden. It ALSO was a boredom thing. I'm bored. The taste in my mouth is so strong and the smell is making me sick. Was it worth it? Probably not. But I did it. It's done.

My situation for coming off the cleanse is not good either. I told my Grandma I wanted Ben's when I came home... she's still in the dark really about the whole cleanse thing. When I talked to her today she was like "Just promise you're not starving yourself" which I'm not... and I even tried to say we'll have Ben's Saturday but for some reason this made her upset... so looks like I'm starting to eat tomorrow. There's no way I am fully cleansed.. not even close. I would have to do this a much longer time than ten days... which I plan on doing the next time around. So I'm not going to beat myself up over not properly coming off the cleanse if I know I'm not fully cleansed in the first place... if that makes sense... and it does to me.

Now I'm bored. I considered going home tonight... but I'm exhausted and didn't want to chance eating tonight and it would be easier to drink the drink here.

Wow I'm feeling REALLY guilty about the cigarette. Damn.

I totally ran out of maple syrup. I went to Whole Foods earlier today to get lemons and some oranges and probiotics but didn't want to spend the money on syrup if I wasn't totally sure that I needed a whole new one. I think I have about one tablespoon left.. which will get me through the night.

My stomach hurts now. Probably the cigarette. Or the guilt.

I'm booooored. It's like literally 15 degrees outside but feels like way below zero. The wind huuuurts my face... it's totally raw. So I can't do anything... I'm just stuck in my room watching tv. I wish the cutie would call... which he won't. I saw him earlier on my way to class... he was coming back. :-( I wish he would give me something to do so I'm not just stuck here thinking about cigarettes.

Oh yea... my cousin sent me a text earlier telling me she was proud of me and my roommate said she was proud also. My roommate also said I look really good and that my skin looks great (which is weird cause I feel like I'm all pimply and wind chapped) and I look lively. It made me feel good.

8:26pm: Might as well do my measurements now. I'm nervous. Here goes:

Weight: ??? Won't know until tomorrow

Chest: 39

Hips: 39.5

Waist: 31

Thighs: 23

Arms (bicep) 12.5

Energy Level (1-10): In general this past week (cause right now it's like a .5) I'd say 7!

WOW! I lost an inch off everything except my waist. 3.5 inches!!!!!!! Now it's only 4 inches bigger than Scarlett Johannsen (I spent a lot of time in the bathroom the past ten days therefore I spent a lot of time reading US Weekly) I lost a total of 7.5 inches from my whole body! That's more than half a foot. Incredible. I wonder what my weight is.

9:53pm: Having my last glass of this cleanse. Ahhh. Had exactly one tablespoon of syrup yay. This is weird. My last glass. I retired my juicer and measuring spoons. Feels good. I'll take 6 or 7 laxatives tonight and then off to home. I'll write more when I come back. :-)


I made it.

Day 9

Hol-y cow.  It's Day 9.  I knew I kept saying I knew I was going to make it... but deep down I don't think I really believed myself until now.  Day 9... wow.

It's 1:37pm now.  I totally slept in today.  I woke up at 7:30 to eliminate three friggin times.  My stomach hurt really bad and I was pissed I had to keep getting out of bed.  So by 8 I decided I would get up but just close my eyes a few minutes more.  Sure enough I fell back asleep til about noon.  I did the salt water flush and (now that my battery is working....  I <3>

I can't believe I'm still eliminating that grainy solid stuff.  It's started to smell too ut not the foul smell that I read should be uh..smelling.  I think I am SO toxic it took about a week for the cleanse to begin (I read it usually starts after about the 3rd day).  The next time I do the cleanse (Oh yes... there will definitely be a next time) I will stay on it longer.  

I am seriously thirsty today.  I'm gonna make my first glass (probably 2) and drink some ice cold water.  OMG I'm thirsty.

9:50pm:  Again...  I can NOT believe it's been NINE days!  Okay...  Went to class... blah blah blah...had a drink.. I was really really hungry so now having another (6 today).  It didn't help when I opened my fridge to get the syrup and seeing some delicious meat in a ziploc bag... hah I don't even know what kind of meat it was.  All I know is that I want it.  

I only have two lemons left.  I went from getting too many lemons the first trip to Whole Foods to not enough the second trip.  I only need like two more so I'm going to try and track down organic lemons in Harlem somewhere so I don't have to go to Whole Foods.  It would just figure if I cracked the last day of the cleanse.  

My professor was eating her dinner in class before it technically started.  It almost killed me.  I think it was some kind of Halal.  Mmmmmm...  I can NOT wait for this weekend.  

My skin is SO dry.  Not saying it's the cleanse.  It's probably the weather.  But it's never been this dry in my life.  It actually hurts.  Especially my face (this is where my mother would say... "And it's killing me!").

Oh yea so earlier I was bored and lonely...what else is new... and decided since the cutie hadn't called me I would call him.  I decided to do the opposite of everything the old Kate would do.  The old Kate wouldn't call... so the new Kate called.  He was going to the gym and I said he could come by if he's bored after he could come by.  That was an hour and a half ago so I guess he's not coming... but at least I tried.  I don't care he's not coming and I am happy that I asked.  :-)  

12:05am:  Ahhhh  he called.  :-)  But this isn't about boys...  ahhh but he caaalled.  And he remembered tomorrow is the last day of my fast. :-)  He listened.  

I forgot to mention that when I was walking to school today I started to feel really paranoid and guilty for smoking weed before class... and then I was like... wait...  I totally DIDN'T smoke anything.  I felt like I was high.  It was really really weird and lasted a good hour.  

I am having major issues with going back to eating.  I like.. don't want to do it.  Obviously I want to eat cause I keep talking about it...  but I like that I'm losing weight.  I like that food isn't a part of my life right now.  I'm afraid to gain all the weight back.  I want to keep losing weight.  I want to get to my goal weight.  I've been saying this now for yeeears.  Now's the time.  God I really want to do it.  I just don't know how.  I need to come up with a new diet game plan.  Weight Watchers again?  That did work the first time.  I wish my mom would pay for the meetings.  The meetings definitely helped.  Calorie counting?  Or maybe just the Graduate student diet... which entails being dead broke and not being able to afford food.  Yea that sounds like the most realistic plan.  I hope I don't start smoking cigarettes to help with not eating.  Part of me wants to keep drinking the lemonade...  at least for breakfast.  I don't know why I haven't read anyone who just drinks the lemonade like once a day.  Is that pointless?  Is it harmful? 

Sleep now... or at least lying awake thinking of this guy's body.  You just really don't understand.  It's perfect.  That's also making me feel insecure... cause mine is totally not.  Agh.  I'll stop thinking about my body and just think about his... on mine. :-)

Day 8

3:51pm:  Agh I totally am uprepared for class and need to go search for the book I should have read and try and read it in 40 minutes so I'll be quick.

Woke up early... go me.  To a text from the cut boy nonetheless :-)  Went to Apple...  got a newer version laptop and doubled my RAM for free.  How?  I don't know.  So...  good day so far... except for the being unprepared for class...  :-(

I did the salt water this morning...  yuck...  and I feel like I just eliminated the salt water and not much solids.  One of the eliminations was like all mucus though so actually I take it back...  it probably was a good thing I did it.  I'll skip the tea tonight and do the flush again tomorrow.  Um what else...  Had 1.5 glasses before I left (I meant to have another but forgot but wasn't that hungry throughout my Apple journey) and now I'm drinking 2.5 more before class... up to 4 today.  

My old coworkers want me to come over tonight but its snowing and I don't have snow appropriate shoes and I'd rather not subject myself to watch people eating (I am so very thankful I haven't had to be with anyone and food... like my family... during this time... it's made everything so much easier)...  and the cute boy said he might text me.  So I don't know if I should go to my coworkers...go home and maybe the guy will call... I don't know... we'll see.

Oh yea speaking of family...  my aunt obviously heard from my mother (because nothing is left unshared in my family) about my doing the cleanse and she gave me props.  It felt good.  I bet she's jealous I have the will power... she's that type. 

So I'm acknowledging the fact that I've lost some weight (I won't know how much til I go home in 3 days).  But I feel like it's just a temporary thing and the second I put something in my mouth I'm going to blow up again.  But something occurred to me.  I'm really REALLY excited to eat again... and that was making me sad because I'm gonna get fat and be lazy like I was... but then it occurred to me... I'm excited to eat healthy foods.  I know now what it's like not to eat... so I definitely have an appreciation for all foods, even good for you foods!  Imagine that.  I will let myself be bad every now and then... let's be realistic.  But generally I picture myself eating a lot better.  I'm really hungry right now.  I am the hungriest at night it seems.... I wonder how much of this is real hunger and how much is boredom.  I'd say 65:35.  

1:08am:  Woooooooooooooooooo!  The cutie from the bus came over!  And we watched a movie.  And I let him pick...  and he picked......CLUELESS!  YAY!!!  I drank another drink...let him try it... thought it was way too spicy.  So I just took 6 laxatives and now have to try to go to sleep but I'm sure I'll just think of him.  :-D   

Oh yea...

TWO

MORE

DAAAAAYYYYYYYSSSSSSSS!

Day 7

12:52pm:  I totally screwed up my plans of waking up early...doing the flush...getting things done.  I was EXHAUSTED this morning I slept til 11:40.  I slept like a really really deep sleep and I just let myself keep going I felt I deserved it.  Sleep helps the body recover and heal itself so I thought I needed it.  I eliminated in the middle of the night and twice after I woke up.  The second elimination looks like all mucus.  Except there was something in there that could have been a parasite...  it looked like a worm kind of... or it could have just been a worm shaped poop.  My stomach hurts.  I'm drinking two glasses before I go to school to get some work then.  Ooooo but my stomach hurts.  I'm like doubled over.  It feels like stuff needs to come out but I just can't imagine anything is left in there too.  Oh yea... I skipped the salt water.  I could not bare the thought of it.  Plus I didn't want to hang around for a few hours while I eliminated because I have to get out.  I feel I'm eliminating more solids with the tea anyway so I think I'll do the flush tomorrow and see how it goes... if it's just liquid I'll go back to the tea for the last two days.   I am soooooo tired!  I feel like my eyes aren't open all the way and that the bags under them need a cucumber or something.  God how I would love to lay in bed all day.  But instead I have to do math homework that apparently a kindergartener should be able to do BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT.  It's so embarrassing.  Agh okay... I'm going

4:38pm:  Just got back from Whole Foods (which took way longer than it should have cause a building was on fire on 125th and the bus couldn't get through but I met a way cutie while waiting so heehee...  I for some reason even explained to him that I was fasting and that's why my breath smelled...oh god I'm an idiot).  Whole Foods was TORTURE..  seeing all that food and smelling all the smells and watching people eat.  I was like GET ME OUT OF HERE.  I can't wait to go food shopping there though after this is done.  But I should go to Trader Joes... I think it's a lot cheaper.  Oh I got a few oranges (4 for 6 frickin bucks...organic is so expensive and I am so broke) to eat on Friday.  I'm drinking 2.5 glasses.  I don't think I'll be able to have another glass before I get home from class at 10pm.  I'm going to be hungry and not focus. 

Okay that's another thing.  I am not focusing AT ALL.  I feel like when I do when I smoke a ton of weed the night before... like if I try to read, I'm just looking at the worlds, not actually reading them.  I thought this was supposed to make focusing better.  Maybe weed makes focusing better.  Maybe when I start eating again I'll start focusing cause I just can't continue like this.  Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to do this the first week of classes.  I already feel totally lost in every class and we haven't even really begun yet.  Okay going to school to "read" and then class.'

11:37pm:  I got back from class at like 10.  I totally don't remember what I've been doing since then other than I took a shower.  I'm like totally in a daze.  I had two glasses .after I got home and I'm having another 1 now (total of 7.5 today).  

My skin is really bad.  I have pimples everywhere and I never get pimples.  :-(  I hope it's the toxins rising to the surface in the form of zits.   I feel ugly.  But what else is new.  

1:08am:  I just realized I forgot to take my laxative tablets.  Agh.  I usually take them at about 9pm but I just took 7 now.  I really hope nothing happens at the Apple Store.  I'm doing the salt water tomorrow.  I'm really really hungry.  I'm getting really sick of this.  Three more days.  I've done 8, I can do 3 more.  I saw a commercial for Taco Bell.  That's what did it.  I am starving.  I can't wait til Saturday...even though my last day is Thursday... I'm letting myself have the Ruben Saturday.  I'm thinking of it like I was originally going to do the cleanse just for a week... so Saturday would be my good to eat day then.  I don't know that doesn't make sense.  I don't care.  I'm having a Ruben Saturday.  I think I would need to do the cleanse longer than ten days to really detoxify anything.  So I'm not feeling so bad about eating earlier than I should.  I'm trying to justify this.  I really just can't.  I don't care.  I'm eating the friggin Ruben Saturday.  Friday I'm going to have the lemonade in the morning... eat oranges throughout the day... and a salad with lite dressing for dinner.  Omg now Paula Dean is on Conan.  I am hunggggggggggggggggry.

Day 6

6:58pm:  Ahhhhh....  sitting (laying) down for the first time today.  Today didn't suck as much as I thought.  Got up early..disgustingly early...  drank two glasses before I left...  had another two at about noon...  drank 1.5ish when I got home.  My Smooth Move is steeping.

Last night I had a lot of dreams...well really nightmares... about food.  I woke up from each panicked.  And it wasn't until I was on the bus going to work this morning that I convinced myself they didn't happen.

One dream involved spaghetti and my Grandma.  I think she was yelling at me to eat some spaghetti and eventually talked me into it.  Another was my cousin bought me a Ruben and was like "I know it's a few days early but here's the Ruben it'll be right over here" and put it in the refrigerator but I misunderstood that as the cleanse is over and I can eat it now.  So when I had a big delicious mouth full I realized I had broken the cleanse.  I really thought I had screwed up this morning.  I was really confused.  I smiled so big like a freak to myself on the bus though when I realized I was still on track and good to go.

The lady I work for said I was her hero for being able to stick to this.  That made me feel good.  She kept saying "You must be so tired" because of the fast.  I wanted to be like "No... I'm so tired cause you're kids are totally insane and you have me running all over the place."  But I told her..and it's true...  I feel pretty good.  I'm tired cause I got really lousy sleep last night... but rather upbeat seeing that I haven't eaten anything in 6 days.  

I want to say that it's weird to not have eaten anything in such a long period of time.... but it just doesn't feel that weird.  Is that weird?  Is it weird to not feel weird that I haven't eaten anything solid in almost a week?  

I still am not convinced that this cleanse is having any effect on me.  Maybe I'm so toxic that it would take over a week to even start feeling the effects.  

Oh yea..  when I was taking a shower earlier I noticed that I have a bruise...well two bruises on my side... like on my waist near my hip.  They're totally blue and I can not imagine what they're from.  

8:51pm:  Just drank another 1.5 glasses (7 today).  My tongue is definitely gross.  My tongue occasionally is white and you can see my teeth marks on it sometimes.. like usually the day after a night of getting wasted...  but I just looked at it and it's for sure white and for sure gross.  It looks like it's hairy... if that makes any sense.  like the taste buds have little white fur on them.  I don't know why I'm having such a hard time believing that these are effects of the cleanse and not something else... like effects from just not eating.  I feel like your tongue would be gross anyway from not eating.  Like my breath.  My breath has been stank.  Whenever I don't eat my breath is stank.  So is it really the toxins rising to the surface on my tongue?  Or is it just cause that's what happens when you don't eat?

I talked to my grandma again.  Oh yea...  I talked to my mom while I was at work and told her I was on the cleanse after she asked me what I was going to have to dinner.  I basically got no reaction... but I told her I was proud of myself... kind of expecting a "I'm proud of you too" or at least a "good for you" or eeeven "good" but nothing.  I don't care if doesn't really matter to me.  I'm proud of myself.

I really think what's getting me through this is the thought of a Ruben at the end...  

11:26pm:  I eliminated a few times.  This is the most my stomach has hurt this entire time.  There is still solids coming out of me.  I don't know if they're technically considered solids but still.   And it smelled like lemons.  That's another thing.  I heard that your eliminations are supposed to smell totally foul but mine haven't smelled AT ALL.  Took 6 laxatives a bit ago.  I'm getting sick of this.  I can't wait to go home.

Day 5

5:28pm:  What a day.  I decided to skip the salt water today...worried that there was too much salt in my system from my screw up yesterday.  So I am making a Smooth Move right now and plan to have one later tonight as well kind of to make up for skipping it.  

I had a game plan today in order for myself to keep busy...not get sad... and not think about food..... but it totally got shot to shit.  I was going to go to school, print my readings for the week, read them on the subway on the way to the Apple Store on 14th which I had to go to cause my laptop that I got TWO WEEKS AGO is already not working (battery won't charge).... and then see either Slumdog Millionaire or The Wrestler (by myself... that's a big deal for me)  So I had 2 glasses before I left then walked to school only to find ALL computer labs were closed for the day... then shlepted to the Apple Store on 14th only to be told I had to schedule an appointment which I could have done online... then walked to Union Square to the movie theatre there.  Big mistake.  Big big mistake.  So I get to the theatre and of course they're the only theatre in the city not playing anything nominated for an Oscar so I stood on a corner and called 777-FILM to find another theatre I could go to... when it hit me.  I became overwhelmed with sadness and panic.  Union Square had wayyy too many memories of me and M.  I slightly freaked and wanted to get the hell out of there.  I was going to walk back to the A but decided I needed out of there NOW so waited for the L...  of course took to long and while waiting I lost control of my emotions and started crying.  The hipsters going to Williamsburg were def looking at me like I was nuts so I just ran out of there and took whatever subway I could AWAY.  I cried the whole way home trying not to let anyone notice.  I miss him so much.  My heart is breaking all over again.  I have to let these emotions go so they'll just be out of me and not hold me back anymore.  I really miss him.  But in times like these I forget all the bad things and only remember the good.  I'm so afraid of running into him... although he could be out of state... maybe out of country.  Part of me wants to respond to one of the emails he's sent... but I know deep down that's a bad idea.  I've just been crying all day.  I'm sure the cleanse is not helping my sadness...  but it does remind me that I have to just let go...   let it go.

Then I got home... put on my sweats and was excited to relax when I realized I forgot to pick up water.  Aghhhh.   I measured out what I have left and it's just enough to get me through tonight and tomorrow morning. 

Okay... so tomorrow is going to SUCK.  I have to pick up one of the kids from a sleep over on Park Ave at frickin 8:45 in the morning.  I can either take a bus which I NEVER do...  or a train with a transfer.  Anyway that's not even the part that sucks the most.  I want to do the salt water flush cause I didn't do it today.  But in order to do that I'm going to have to wake up at like 5:30am.  And what sucks even more is that I'm working til 6pm!  And you're not supposed to mix the drink ahead of time... you can make it into a concentrate apparently but I don't have any container to put it in so that's out for me.  And these kids are allergic to EVERYTHING so with my luck I'll have to use the epi pen on them if I bring the ingredients with me.  I guess my plan is to bring some ingredients with me...  make a drink while one of them is at a lesson (can you imagine... I'm going to have to mix this drink in a bathroom stall in Chelsea Piers... sheesh) at about 1:30pm then hopefully not have to drink another one til I get home.

I really can't stop crying.  I want to talk to my mom but she just totally won't understand and I don't want her to know I'm sad.  I have a headache...  which is starting to pound... it's from crying.

I've been concerned with parasite cleansing.  I really want to do it.  The book suggests taking a parasite cleansing remedy product so I decided I would take Clove tablets... but couldn't find them (yet another thing that didn't work in my favor today).  I'm not going to concern myself with it too much for now just because I want myself to get through the rest of this cleanse and will be proud of myself for doing as much as I did.  I plan to do a full parasite cleansing shortly after I finish the cleanse.

I just got off the phone with my Grandma and told her I was coming home Friday and the first thing she said was "Ooo we'll go out to eat!  Where do you wanna go?"  I can't tell her I can't go out to eat.  She won't get this.  And I don't want anyone bringing me down.... which they will.  

Agh my head hurts...  I'm gonna drink my tea (gaggggg) and lay down.

7:20pm:  Just eliminated.  I can't believe (well yes I can) I'm eliminating solids.  The thought is kind of sickening.  I have waste inside me even though I haven't eaten anything solid in 5 days.  It's still the grainy goodness... there was a lemon pit in there ew.  I don't know if I'm being informative or disgusting.  I hope informative.  My suitemate gave me props... yay me.  Oooow my stomach hurts.  Having another glass (4 so far) which I'll most likely take with me back to the toilet.

Oh yea.  Today I have been adding half the amount of maple syrup to my drinks.  I'm trying to be as tired as possible (your energy comes from the maple syrup) so that I can go to bed early and actually wake up at frickin 5:30am (I still can't believe this is happening).  

I'm totally freaking out over coming off the cleanse.  Now I just read something that you should take probiotics (something I had never even heard of) while you're coming off.  I really wanted to follow this thing EXACTLY but I am just not going to do the day 1: drinking orange juice only, day 2:  orange juice and vegetable broth,  day 3: vegetables...  It's just not happening.  I'm upset about it... I am.  But...  I need to go home.  And to be totally honest I wasn't aware of the 3 days post cleanse until the night before I began.  So I psyched myself up for 10 days not 13.  Agh this is causing me such stress.  I know I can't justify it and I know it's going to hurt me.  

7:50pm:  I don't think I'm going to do the second Smooth Move I planned on.  I really don't want to become dependent on laxatives... cause I never poop as it is.  And it's going to kill my stomach and I actually need to sleep tonight... I can't be getting up and going to the bathroom.

9:15pm:  I'm foregoing the last glass today.  I'm drinking some peppermint tea.   And about an hour ago I took 7 laxative tablets.  

10:01pm:  I went to the bathroom a little bit ago and my suitemate goes, "Going to visit your best friend?"  Haha at the time it pissed me off but now I guess it's funny.  I hate the thought that I met these people two weeks ago...not even... and they're already associating me with poop.  

I decided to skip the salt water tomorrow.  I shouldn't be doing the laxative tablets, the Smooth Move and the salt water.  Plus when I do the salt water nothing solid comes out of me like it does when I drink the tea.  So I'll skip tomorrow... drink the tea tomorrow night....  do the salt water Monday and not drink the tea Monday night. 

10:16pm:  I'm exhausted...ready for bed.  I just wanted to add that I have totally not been wanting a cigarette.  I'm not going to go bad to them.  Or at least try not to.  I can't afford to buy packs anyway.  Remember that...  DON'T SPEND MONEY ON CIGARETTES.  It's like paying to die.  Weed on the other hand....  I plan on buying some while I'm home.  My neck and shoulders are sore but they always are.  Everything on me is always sore.  I thought this owuld make it a little better...and maybe it will.

I can not friggin believe I'm half way through.  I keep thinking of it as the time that I've spent on the cleanse is the time I have left...  and it hasn't been bad so far so I can keep going.  Agh I've been saying that to myself all day and right now it just all seems so daunting.  5 more days?  Can I really make it through 5 more days?  Yes I can.  And I will.

Day 4

9:27am:  I was woken up by a serious of texts from the lady I work for.  Which is fine cause I'm not tired at all.  I woke up in the middle of the night to eliminate.  I'm pretty sure I fell asleep on the toilet.  It was solid... again, not really solid but brown grainy goodness.

10:00ish:  I eliminated.  I'm thinking the tea was a good idea.  More grainy goodness... AND mucus!  The grains kind of sank to the bottom and streamed around were these strings of slimy pieces.  It looked like I had pooped some snot.  And this is good!  I want the mucus out!  Right now it's 10:32 and I'm drinking my salt water flush.  Again...  doesn't taste bad (I don't know if I added too much salt or if my tastes are heightened cause it definitely tastes saltier)... but so much to drink.  Agh.  Let's see how this goes.  I'm excited.

4:57pm:  So I am an IIIIIDDDDDIIIIIIIOOOOOOOTTTTTT!!!  After I finished my salt flush this morning I started to feel panicky and my heart was beating fast and I was nauseous and then it occurred to me...  I DOUBLED the salt that I should have put in!  Since it won't all fit in one glass I split it into two...  so it's two teaspoons of salt all together (one in each glass) but I put two in each!  So when it was saltier...  it actually was much saltier than it should have been.  How stupid of me.  I made myself throw most of it up...  some of it went through me and I eliminated.  What a way to start the day.  Because of all of this I had to quickly drink one glass containing 2.5 servings before I went to work...  I just got home from work and made 1.5 glass. 

Oh yea... and in between eliminating and throwing up the salt water my anus started bleeding.  Not a lot...  I think it's just from wiping so much plus the burning.  There was also something red in my throw up.  I don't know if it was blood or some cayenne pepper (the blood on my anus is definitely blood...  it hurts even now).  It was a very small amount.

My old co worker is supposed to come over tonight to watch a movie.  I'm nervous.  I don't know if he's going to bring food with him or want food while he's here.  He knows I'm doing the cleanse but he's somewhat of an idiot so I hope it occurs to him that's he's not going to be able to (or shouldn't) eat here.   I guess it'll be a good thing because I'll probably be less sad tonight.  I'm feeling really anti social though.  I kind of wish he wasn't coming.  I say that... but then I complain when I'm alone.  Agh I don't know.  

I have been less hungry today although my stomach growled so loud the kid I babysit for was like "OMG YOU ARE HUUUNGRY."  I don't think it was a hunger growl I think it was just activity going on in my stomach.  

Also...  I'm pissed.  The book said I would need approximately 60-80 lemons for the whole ten days but only to buy three days worth at a time so they wouldn't go bad.  So I bought 25ish lemons and they're going bad!  I haven't used nearly as much as he approximated...  I guess I'm a a good juicer (I've been using one I got in a 99 cent store...  I love 99 cent stores).  But these lemons were a buck each.  You're not supposed to refrigerate them because it apparently makes them have less enzymes, taste worse, and could make you nauseous.  But I have to.  I've been taking a few out at a time letting the others sit in the fridge but agh...  I don't have money to waste.

I'm glad Day 4 wasn't the hell day that I expected.  Maybe I won't have a hell day.  Maybe I'm not doing this right.

8:01pm:  I just drank a Smooth Move.  I decided to since I botched the salt water this morning.  I also canceled my co-worker.  I feel pretty bad.  He was like three blocks from my house when I told him I was falling asleep.  I mean it is true...  I am having trouble keeping my eyes open... and I just couldn't bare the thought of entertaining someone right now.  I'm really really tired...  more mentally than physically.  Like really all I can do is watch TV.  Which sucks because of the commercials for food and people eating in the shows.  I also keep having flash backs to one day when we were in the salon and the manager announced that she was pregnant...  I looked over at him and he whispered to another co worker "Kate looks like she's pregnant."  So I don't feel that bad for canceling.  That just kept replaying over and over in my head and I just didn't want to be around him.  Or anyone.  I just want to be alone and get through this.

I think I've decided to get my tattoo finally.  After my cousin April died I considered getting "Just keep swimming" because it was a motivational line that really helped me..  and she absolutely loved Finding Nemo (who doesn't really...  but she freakishly looked like Dory) so it will remind me of her.  I always looked up to her and she's still a role model for me.  Just keep swimming is really helping me through this cleanse... like it's helped me before... like it will help me later.  Hmm...  maybe I'll watch Finding Nemo tonight.  I'm trying to think of a movie to watch that doesn't have any eating in it.  

The book says that problems with constipation have a lot to do with problems with letting go of emotions and holding on to the past.  I know I have these problems.  The book also says that while we eliminate our waste we should eliminate our hang ups etc.  I want to.  I really really want to.  I feel like if I let go of my emotions I'll start screaming and never stop.  I've cried everyday at least since London (where I studied in 2005).  I'm sick of crying.  

8:24pm: Had 1.5 glasses

I don't know how into the whole three days of restrictive eating after the cleanse I am.  I'm going home Day "11."  The book is telling me I need to drink fresh orange juice all day.  I just really don't see that happening.  I was originally not going to do the full 10 days and only do a week so I'm kind of justifying my not doing the three days post cleanse with that.  I'm going to eat oranges (the books says it's okay to eat them instead of drink them) all day Friday and then for dinner that night have a salad with fresh vegetables and a lite dressing.  I was going to do only eat vegetables on Saturday... but...  I don't know.  I'll see how I feel... but right now I'm really feleing a Ruben.  I want a Ruben soooooo baaaaaaad.  Maybe I'll do the orange thing again during the day and then a Ruben for dinner...  okay yea that's what I'm gonna do.

10:42pm:  Having one last glass (total of 6.5 today).  I didn't even want it... I just want to use up these lemons.  I've upped the cayenne pepper just cause I can take the heat.  I also took 7 laxative tablets.  I know it sounds like I'm abusing the laxatives but that's what I've needed to take to have any effect.  

I kind of feel a little high.  Like I'm having trouble focusing and I don't know how to describe it... but when I'm high my eye balls move in... haha I can't even think of what I was going to say!  Am I just totally exhausted?  Or is there weed being stirred up inside me?  Maybe a little of both?  Nah I'm probably just deliriously tired.

I want to stop cracking my knuckles... and everything else I can possible crack.  It's such a bad habit and I'm sure it's not helping my body feel good.  And it's not a good example to set as a teacher.  I'm going to stop cracking...everything.

I feel like this is the most boring blog ever but it is really helping me through this.  A lot.

When I get through tomorrow I'll be halfway there!

Day 3

In almost everything I've read about the Master Cleanse it always says Day 3 is the worst for most people.  I was worried... but I'm fine.  I was really really tired this morning but after my eliminations and first glass of lemonade I perked up a bit.  I'm still tired.  I would love a coffee...  mmm... Dunkin Donuts iced coffee.  I didn't realize how much I absolutely love Dunkin Donuts until doing this cleanse.

Anyway...  same deal as the past two days.  Woke up at 9:47 (which is weird cause that's the exact same time I woke up yesterday) but decided I should sleep some more so finally got up around 11:40.  Did the salt water...  it was more bearable to drink today.  Oh yea...  I woke up in the middle of the night to eliminate.  I think the additional laxatives was a good idea.  I also realized I wasn't drinking that much water so I've upped that as well.  

"The book" says sometimes the worst day is Day 4.  That'll probably be mine.  Although I'm hoping I have no worst days.  I've been feeling pretty good.  Tired and hungry.  But I mean I though I was going to be nauseous and dizzy which I usually get when I diet but I'm not at all.  

Oh yea...  the best part of my day is I let myself lick the spoon that I use to measure the maple syrup after one or two drinks.  It's like intensely sweet but yum.  It's a treat.

K...  it's 3pm.  I have to eliminate and go to class.  

8:34pm:  Got home from class about an hour ago... I was definitely less hungry than yesterday (which was odd because I drank about two glasses less before class today than I had yesterday) but during class I was really tired and couldn't focus at all.  It was the first class (of all the classes this week) and I feel like usually I'm the most focused the first day... but I just couldn't pull it together this week.  I'm really really tired.  All I want to do is watch TV and cry.  :-(

I had a double glass (making that 4.5 so far)  Not hungry.  But sad.  :-(   I just had an ichat with my cousins and aunt. I don't think that's what made me sad.  I'm just lonely.  One of my suitemates was all dolled up going on a date with her boyfriend.  And Im just stuck here... no one to talk to nothing to do.  All I want to do is cry.

I dont have a scale (and won't be able to weight myself until the day after the cleanse anyway) but I definitely don't think I'm losing any weight...  I thought I would lose something by now.  I know I said that wasn't a major reason why I was doing this but still.  If I'm not eating I'd like for my fat gut to go down at least a little.  I've read other blogs where they're like "Day 3 and 23lbs gone!" or "Day 4 lost 15 lbs so far!" and I'm just like whaaaaaat? I've barely been exercising...  I've barely walked this week cause of the snow and my fatigue.  I just hope I'm doing this all right I really don't feel like I am.  But I am following the book exactly so I don't know.  I am sad.  

9:57pm:  So I had bought the Chocolate Smooth Move tea (and peppermint) but haven't drank it (nor the peppermint) so I decided I'd give it a try tonight.  I've drank it before and remember it being disgusting but BLEH.  This is the first thing on this cleanse that's actually made me gag.  Even the thought of it makes me gag.  So I drank it...while gagging... and now I feel nauseous.  Which is probably bad because I also took 6 laxative tablets.  I'm probably so going to regret this in the morning (or the middle of the night).  I doubt I'll drink the tea again.  I wish I didn't waste the 5 bucks on it.

10:08pm: I am freeeeeezing.  And the heat is up to 77.  And I just drank tea...  you'd think I wouldn't be shivering but I am.  I wanted to watch that Charm City Cake show but I decided against it...  even though I'm not hungry at all... and I don't ever really want cake (I'd much rather a Ruben or a hot dog... I've been thinking about hot dogs A LOT the past three days.  That's it... when I can eat I'm going to Ben's and getting a pastrami on rye with russian dressing and two hot dogs and a knish...yesssssssss I'm excited) but I just couldn't risk it.  There's definitely some activity going on in my stomach.  Bubbling and gurgling and a little cramping but not bad.  

11:35pm:  I was talking to my crazy cousin about 40 minutes ago... drank 1.5 glasses (total of 6 for the day...  am I losing my mind?  Did I drink a glass in between coming home from class and now?  I don't think so) and eliminated... and just did so again.  I'm thinking it's the tea doing its job.  It's not like I'm eliminating solids... but it's not pure liquid like it is in the morning.  It's like...  grainy and a little flakey.  My stomach hurts for the first time since commencing the cleanse... but as long as more is coming out of me I'm happy.  Maybe the tea was a good idea.  Gag  ew.  

I want to apologize if anyone is in fact reading this and think that I'm vulgar.  I'll have you know I'm a very classy gal...  I just really want to be as blunt, honest and detailed as possible.  Oooh my tummy hurts.

I was worried that I was drinking too much pulp (thinking that the "solid" stuff in my eliminations was only the lemon pulp) but I read up on it and having some pulp in your drink is not a bad thing.  Some may argue that it's fiber properties are beneficial...  others say it may cause your digestive system to do more work and kind of distract itself from the cleansing process.  Stanley Burroughs said it's fine...  so it's fine by me.  I'm definitely not going to get worked up over pulp.  

One week from today I'll be ending my cleanse.  Just keep swimming... just keep swimming.  I can't believe when I wake up tomorrow it'll already be day 4.  :-)

12:18am:  Gonna watch some Conan and go to bed.  I'm hungry.  It terrifies me that this all might not be working and I'm doing it all for nothing.

Day 2

I woke up before 10am without an alarm for the first time in years.  I pooped first thing when I woke up and then relaxed until about 10 when I made my salt water flush.  I ran out of bottled water last night (totally slipped my mind to get some before class) so I boiled tap water for the salt water flush (I hope that's ok)  Agh.  It's not that the flush tastes bad...  the book said to pretend its a salty broth and that does help.  It's just that it's so much to drink!  And I just want to get it over with.  I tried sipping it but it was taking just too long.  I tried gulping it but that made me a little queasy.  Finally after a good half hour I finished and about 30 seconds later... peed out of my butt (eliminated..jeez).  

11:00ish:  I made my first drink.  I actually brought it with me and drank it on the toilet because I was eliminating frequently.

12:11pm:  I got on the bus to go to get some water.  It snowed like 3 inches last night.  125th St+ snow = not fun.  Some guy laughed at me cause I stepped in a puddle.  I laughed at him cause he's unemployed.  

12:52:  Got my water came back drank my drank (1.5 making it 2.5 so far today).  Eliminated right after...  or actually in the middle of drinking my drink.  I think that was my 6th time today (do I really need to get count?)  It's still yellow with some flakey bits in it.  Oh yea...  during one of my morning eliminations I definitely saw some mucus in there.  

I had no idea my poop was going to be yellow liquid.  I'm trying to understand how the yellow liquid is excess waste in my body.  I understand that it probably contains a lot of toxins...  but I feel like I have fecal matter sitting in my digestive system that's been there for years just rotting and I want it out of me.  Is that not happening?  Am I just getting rid of the toxins and not the excess waste?  Will it change?  I guess we'll have to see.

When I was out  I almost stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a bagel just out of habit.  I was going to say that I'm not hungry... just craving food... but I am hungry.  And tired.  

7:46pm:  Got back from class and had a glass of the drink.  Actually I had two in one...  I accidentally added twice the amount of water after I had put in everything else.  I'm hungry.  Really really hungry.  I'm having trouble focusing...  all I want to do is watch Family Guy...  which definitely is not as funny if you're not high.  This girl in my class was eating a candy bar...  chocolate... and the best kind... the kind you buy from the kids on the subway when they're raising money for their school.  Mmmmm...  I'm gonna eat like 10 of them when I can.  

I don't know what I'm going to do on Sunday (Day 6)...  I have to be at work at 8:45am.  So I doubt I'll wake up early enough to do the salt water and really don't want to risk...anything.  

10:48:  Just finished my last glass of the day (total of 9).  I eliminated something other than pee about two hours ago...  after I finished by previous glass (which was really 2).  It was like little coco puffs...  yum...  eww...

I'm not as hungry as I was.  I probably will be in like five minutes though.  I don't feel like I'm eliminating enough.  I have problems with constipation as it is and I expected to poop a lot more while doing the cleanse.  Maybe I will in the next coming days.  But I re read part of the book and it says that to heighten results you should take a herbal parasite cleanser product.  He suggests cloves, cinnamon and others (just google it).  

Agh I don't even feel like talking about this anymore.  Fuckin these Staten Island bitches probably undergrad live next door and are so fucking loud and it is so fucking irritating and they just banged on the wall so I banged back... hard.  I had like a rush of anger.  Now I'm sad.  Now I'm crying.  I've been really sad the past few days.  I don't know if it's the cleanse... it probably isn't.  It's probably just everything else.  Fuck this SUUUCKS.  I want my mom.  I want my mom like a little fucking kid wants their mom.  I'm miserable.  It like hits me every night around this time.  I hope it's the cleanse only cause that means it will eventually end.  

Back to the cleanse...

My nose is definitely running.  I read that this can happen cause the mucus is breaking up.  Or it could just be that its cold and snowy out.  My body definitely still hurts (especially my hips...I couldn't even walk last week and this week isn't that much better).  

This cleanse is definitely not what I thought it was going to be like so far.  That's neither good or bad. And I feel like there's no one really I can ask (not like I know anyone that's done this) or read anything on a blog and count it as anything more than that persons own personal experience.  They're not experts and everyone's unique.  So I guess I have to just keep going.  I keep chanting my little motivator in my head over and over...  just keep swimming...  just keep swimming...  what do we do we swim, swim  (Finding Nemo...  thinking of you April).  

11:32pm:  I forgot to mention that I took 7 laxative tablets at about 9pm instead of the 5 I had been taking.  I didn't think five was having enough of an effect.  I just eliminated psuedo-solid matter.  My butt hole is on fi-ya!

Day 1

I couldn't fall asleep until like 6am.  I started thinking about my ex...  something I haven't done like this in a while... and was thinking about general stresses.  No fun.  I woke up at about 11:45am so that I would be tired and hopefully sleep early to help cope with the not smoking and being hungry.

When I woke up this morning I immediately wanted a cigarette.  That hasn't happened in a while.  I'm just generally in an irritated mood... and nothing has even happened yet.  I haven't even left my room.

I had my first "elimination" (btw... I feel ridiculous calling it that but the point of this is to eliminate the bad stuff from my body so...) right after I woke up.  That's not unusual for me though.  

12:20pm:  Made my first salt water flush.  It really really wasn't bad at all.  Well alright it wasn't like it was exactly pleasurable but it wasn't totally disgusting.  I didn't realize how much it is to drink (4 cups) so it took a while...  maybe 12 minutes.  I'm saying it wasn't that bad today, but while I was drinking it and I realize I'm definitely going to dread this part in some days to come.

12:40ish:  Thought I had to fart.  In another blog I read they warned about moments like these.  I remembered not to push... and thank goodness for that.  I had my first 'real' elimination.  It was BIZARRE.  It was like neon yellow liquid... but not really liquid... it kind of felt like foam coming out but really was BRIGHT yellow.  Not like pee yellow....bright neon friggin yellow.  There were also pieces of hard poo in there which I totally didn't know was coming out cause all I was feeling was the foamliquid experience.

1:10pm:  I made my first glass of lemonade.  I was surprised that I got as much juice as I did out of a lemon and I'm glad... maybe now I won't have to spend as much money as I thought.  I thought the drink tasted pretty good!  I also thought the entire drink was going to be a real glass full (about 3 cups) but it's only about 1.5 cups.  Since I'm supposed to drink about 8 cups of this a day I might double up and drink 3 cups at a time and count it as two drinks but I don't know if I'm allowed to do that.

1:40pm:  Ok so...  I just peed out of my butt.  Total liquid...  totally yellow.  Oh god... one of my suitemates just made something in the kitchen... and it smells so good.  Even though it really smells awful.  I think it's Ramen...ew...  but I want it.  It's like "Whatever you do...  don't push that button"...  you're gonna wanna push the button.  So just cause I can't eat...  I really want to.

I can not believe how much I want a cigarette!  I think it's the same thing...  just because I know I can't I want it even more.  Hopefully this will pass today.  I have to go to a class and beg my way in or else I lose full time status...so I'll lose my loans... so I'll have to drop out of school.  

I wonder what my suitemates are going to think of my frequent trips to the bathroom.  I realize this may not be the best first impression that I could be making (I moved in 8 days ago and have spent a total of maybe 10 minutes collectively talking with them.  Maybe they'll figure out what I'm doing from the massive stash of lemons in the kitchen.  UH OH HAVE TO RUN TO BATHROOM!

Wowza...  more pee out of butt (yes... I realize it's not actually pee...)  How many eliminations is that so far I lost track!  Three (I'm not counting my first morning poop as an elimination...  just a normal poop).   My butt is burning already...  that can't be good.  The book said to put some coconut oil on it if this happens...  one more added expense I didn't need but I'm sure the ring of fire is going to get worse so it'll be worth it.

I wanted a cigarette so bad and am in a pretty agitated mood so much so that I considered not doing it.. at least for today.  I know that if I don't stick with it today... I'll never go back.  Then I'll be the failure idiot who wasted 70 precious dollars on supplies.  For a moment there I was even trying to come up with other things I could do with all those lemons... I considered using them to clean even though I wouldn't know how... or if that's even possible.  I can't let myself down...  I'll get through this I just have to.

2:05pm:  I'm about to make my second glass of lemonade.  I'm probably so irritated because I'm tired... and I'm tired because I got like 5 hours sleep...  not because I'm not eating.  I'm getting emotional!  I'm pathetic...  watching TLC 10 Years Younger and the lady that looks like shes old is white and her husband's black... my ex was black...  and this is friggin making me cry.  Are you kidding me?  I am so worried about the saddness this cleanse is going to bring on but it'll be good.  It'll be like I'm cleansing out my negative emotions as well.  

I should probably really get out of bed now.   Grr.....  

2:11:  Jeez Louise another elimination!  Less yellow in color... I hope this doesn't happen in class 

3:00pm:  I've already had four glasses (one then I combined two and now one more).  I thought I would have four before class and four after so I get 8... right in the middle of the recommended 6-10.  I really like the taste of this drink!  

7:16pm:  Just got back from class.  Made it into the class I was closed out of...  hooray!  After I got that worked out I felt like I was really hyper.  I don't know if it was because I was just jazzed to get into Literacy or if I'm already experience increased energy from the cleanse.  It's probably the former.  While I was walking to class I was ready to start snapping at someone and feel like my feet weighed a thousand pounds as I walked.  I was worried that I would have headaches from withdrawing from caffeine... but it hasn't been bad.  I have had a slight headache since this afternoon that comes and goes in little like 5 minute intervals.  I got really cold in class...  I don't know if it's cause I had just returned from a false fire alarm (mmm.... FDNY boys) or if I wasn't drinking enough lemonade.  Agh and if this had been any normal day I would have taken the fire drill as an opportunity to have a cigarette break... and so did a lot of other people... including a friend who suggested we smoke.  I had to break the news to her that I was doing the cleanse..  Now too many people know that I'm doing it so I can't tell them all 'Eh... I just gave up half way through... that's hard.'  Instead I want them to be impressed with my completion and dedication to bettering myself.  Well I don't really care if they're impressed by me... but just don't want to have to tell anyone including myself I gave up.

I'm currently drinking my 5.5 cup of the lemonade.  I have a stupid meeting at 9 and I hope to go to bed right after.  I always get a little lonely and sad at night anyway... especially in my new room... especially without food... and ESPECIALLY without weed.  I'll make it through I'm sure.

I haven't pooped.. oh sorry... eliminated since this morning (my morning... real people's afternoon).  I guess that's normal.  

10:02pm:  So I'm totally losing it.  I had my last glass (total of seven) a little bit ago.  I marked February 5 on my calender with a big smiley face (the day I end my cleanse) and was so gung ho about the whole thing.  Just now though, I got overwhelmed and just started crying.  I like feel really homesick which I can't believe.  I'm just sad... totally sad.  I have no one to talk to and it's even too late to call my mom... not that I would want her to know I'm homesick.  I really wish this would pass.  I've only done one day how the hell am I going to get through 9 more?  It's like I'm just thinking about all the bad things and can't see the good anymore.  I'm so scared to fail.  I wish I would just fall asleep please God just let me fall asleep

The night before

So here I go... starting the cleanse.  I'm excited...  I am.  Nervous, scared...sure.  But, mostly excited.  Although I am dreading the fact that this is the first week of classes... which isn't a big deal really it's not like I do work anyway... I'm just hoping I don't collapse in class... or worse... make someone collapse from smelling my stank breath which I'm sure I will have from not eating.  My plans for starting the cleanse last week got shot to shit when my hips decided they hated me and didn't want me to be able to walk.  I also was going to start the cleanse the day after tomorrow, but am almost certain the financial aid trolls are going to somehow screw me out of qualifying for work study, claiming I have no financial "need" even though right now I have 57 cents in my back account.  So I decided last minute to commence my cleanse a day early.  

I think the biggest reason why I'm scared (other than failing) is because I have no support.  I'm at a time in my life where I have no friends to talk to or confide in... and my family will NOT get this.  Our lives revolve around food.  Hey...  we're Italian.  And my mom won't let me go to a chiropractor because that's too "new age" for her...  so this would really just be too much to understand.  I'm hoping that writing here will help me work things out in my head for myself.  I think that's what I really need anyway.  

I went to Whole Foods today and stocked up on supplies... 

Herbal laxative.  I'm using Swiss Kriss... the bottle said to take 2 but the book said to take 5...  so I went with the book...  I never ever poop anyway...  I'm sure (and hope) I'll eat - or...er - drink those words later.  Chocolate Smooth Move and peppermint tea, sea salt, cayenne pepper and Grade B Maple Syrup.  Oh yea... and the lemons.  Friggin a buck a piece.  But like the book said... I deserve it right now.  And it's not like I'm going to be spending my money on Popeyes or KFC, which seems to be my only eating options in my new neighborhood, and I probably couldn't afford a bucket of chicken anyway or even just a side of coleslaw... but I digress.  

"The book"... by the way...is Tom Woloshyn's The Complete Guide to the Master Cleanse.  I'm following it pretty much exactly.  Part of his advice is to keep a journal... which I will make this blog (my first blog... welcome to 2009!)  Here we go:

I AM DOING THE MASTER CLEANSE BECAUSE:

I am doing the Master Cleanse because I want to better myself as a person.  I want to feel better, both physically and mentally.  I want to prove to myself that I can do it.  I want to show myself that I can accomplish a goal.  I want to do this now because there is no better time than now.  

*side note:  I am newly single (ended a 2.5 year relationship six months ago).. still not recuperated...but I am getting there and I will get there.  I also just moved to Harlem.  This is a really exciting and terrifying time in my life and I am so looking forward to finally getting myself to a happy place.  And I guess this cleanse is a part of kicking off the new happy life...  anyway.

Okay so why I'm doing the cleanse.  Just a warning to anyone reading (which I doubt is anyone but if you are reading...HI!) I'm going to be totally honest and leave nothing to the imagination.  

Okay...  I've smoked weed just about everyday for like the past... oh jesus... five years.  That's scary to think about.  I didn't realize its been such a long period of time.  I guess I've been in a fog (probably exhale of a joint) since undergrad...  probably longer.  So...  I love weed.  Despite my adoration for marijuana, I am fully aware and recognize the negative effects it has on my body and mind.  It's also expensive... and for someone with pocket change to her name it's time to cut back.  People say that you can't get addicted to weed... and yea I guess you can't.  I used to have a physical addiction to cigarettes... and when I needed a cigarette I would get a physical reaction or displeasure and kind of physical pain.  I don't necessarily get a physical effect when I don't have weed but I definitely freak out mentally.  I've been choosing to smoke and sit on my fat lazy ass home by myself instead of going out and exploring... and being sad when I didn't have weed instead of being sad about the life that I was missing out on.  So that's gonna change.

I'm also a cigarette smoker.  I smoked from when I was 14 then quit for a year from 20 to 21 until I had an unexpected death in the family and took cigarettes back as my friend.  The physical addiction has definitely decreased from before I had quit.  Now it's like a compulsive comfort social thing and it's just awful.  I stink.  I smell gross.  And it's MAD expensive.  Frickin 10 bucks a pack...  It's stupid...  smoking cigarettes (and weed everyday) is just stupid.  For someone who wants to be a teacher that's pretty disgusting.  That's not the role model I want to be.

MEASUREMENTS 

I've never taken my measurements and am not really doing this to lose weight (although that's a bonus...ok who am I kidding I def wanna lose weight and this will help kick off a not eating total shit lifestyle) but I'm just curious how my body is going to change.  I should take a picture of myself on my brand new handy dandy Mac...  I will tomorrow.  

Weight:  158

Chest:  40

Hips:  40.5

Waist:  34.5

Thighs:  24

Arms (bicep)  13.5

Energy Level (1-10):  5   (although I kind of even wanna say 4... that's bad)

I have my five laxative tablets in my belly and am ready to go to bed.  Or do I want one last cigarette?  Hmm...  it's 3am, I'm in my pajamas and its about 17 degrees outside.  Yea...  I want the cigarette.    Goodbye old friend.  Hopefully this will be our last hurrah.