Day 5

5:28pm:  What a day.  I decided to skip the salt water today...worried that there was too much salt in my system from my screw up yesterday.  So I am making a Smooth Move right now and plan to have one later tonight as well kind of to make up for skipping it.  

I had a game plan today in order for myself to keep busy...not get sad... and not think about food..... but it totally got shot to shit.  I was going to go to school, print my readings for the week, read them on the subway on the way to the Apple Store on 14th which I had to go to cause my laptop that I got TWO WEEKS AGO is already not working (battery won't charge).... and then see either Slumdog Millionaire or The Wrestler (by myself... that's a big deal for me)  So I had 2 glasses before I left then walked to school only to find ALL computer labs were closed for the day... then shlepted to the Apple Store on 14th only to be told I had to schedule an appointment which I could have done online... then walked to Union Square to the movie theatre there.  Big mistake.  Big big mistake.  So I get to the theatre and of course they're the only theatre in the city not playing anything nominated for an Oscar so I stood on a corner and called 777-FILM to find another theatre I could go to... when it hit me.  I became overwhelmed with sadness and panic.  Union Square had wayyy too many memories of me and M.  I slightly freaked and wanted to get the hell out of there.  I was going to walk back to the A but decided I needed out of there NOW so waited for the L...  of course took to long and while waiting I lost control of my emotions and started crying.  The hipsters going to Williamsburg were def looking at me like I was nuts so I just ran out of there and took whatever subway I could AWAY.  I cried the whole way home trying not to let anyone notice.  I miss him so much.  My heart is breaking all over again.  I have to let these emotions go so they'll just be out of me and not hold me back anymore.  I really miss him.  But in times like these I forget all the bad things and only remember the good.  I'm so afraid of running into him... although he could be out of state... maybe out of country.  Part of me wants to respond to one of the emails he's sent... but I know deep down that's a bad idea.  I've just been crying all day.  I'm sure the cleanse is not helping my sadness...  but it does remind me that I have to just let go...   let it go.

Then I got home... put on my sweats and was excited to relax when I realized I forgot to pick up water.  Aghhhh.   I measured out what I have left and it's just enough to get me through tonight and tomorrow morning. 

Okay... so tomorrow is going to SUCK.  I have to pick up one of the kids from a sleep over on Park Ave at frickin 8:45 in the morning.  I can either take a bus which I NEVER do...  or a train with a transfer.  Anyway that's not even the part that sucks the most.  I want to do the salt water flush cause I didn't do it today.  But in order to do that I'm going to have to wake up at like 5:30am.  And what sucks even more is that I'm working til 6pm!  And you're not supposed to mix the drink ahead of time... you can make it into a concentrate apparently but I don't have any container to put it in so that's out for me.  And these kids are allergic to EVERYTHING so with my luck I'll have to use the epi pen on them if I bring the ingredients with me.  I guess my plan is to bring some ingredients with me...  make a drink while one of them is at a lesson (can you imagine... I'm going to have to mix this drink in a bathroom stall in Chelsea Piers... sheesh) at about 1:30pm then hopefully not have to drink another one til I get home.

I really can't stop crying.  I want to talk to my mom but she just totally won't understand and I don't want her to know I'm sad.  I have a headache...  which is starting to pound... it's from crying.

I've been concerned with parasite cleansing.  I really want to do it.  The book suggests taking a parasite cleansing remedy product so I decided I would take Clove tablets... but couldn't find them (yet another thing that didn't work in my favor today).  I'm not going to concern myself with it too much for now just because I want myself to get through the rest of this cleanse and will be proud of myself for doing as much as I did.  I plan to do a full parasite cleansing shortly after I finish the cleanse.

I just got off the phone with my Grandma and told her I was coming home Friday and the first thing she said was "Ooo we'll go out to eat!  Where do you wanna go?"  I can't tell her I can't go out to eat.  She won't get this.  And I don't want anyone bringing me down.... which they will.  

Agh my head hurts...  I'm gonna drink my tea (gaggggg) and lay down.

7:20pm:  Just eliminated.  I can't believe (well yes I can) I'm eliminating solids.  The thought is kind of sickening.  I have waste inside me even though I haven't eaten anything solid in 5 days.  It's still the grainy goodness... there was a lemon pit in there ew.  I don't know if I'm being informative or disgusting.  I hope informative.  My suitemate gave me props... yay me.  Oooow my stomach hurts.  Having another glass (4 so far) which I'll most likely take with me back to the toilet.

Oh yea.  Today I have been adding half the amount of maple syrup to my drinks.  I'm trying to be as tired as possible (your energy comes from the maple syrup) so that I can go to bed early and actually wake up at frickin 5:30am (I still can't believe this is happening).  

I'm totally freaking out over coming off the cleanse.  Now I just read something that you should take probiotics (something I had never even heard of) while you're coming off.  I really wanted to follow this thing EXACTLY but I am just not going to do the day 1: drinking orange juice only, day 2:  orange juice and vegetable broth,  day 3: vegetables...  It's just not happening.  I'm upset about it... I am.  But...  I need to go home.  And to be totally honest I wasn't aware of the 3 days post cleanse until the night before I began.  So I psyched myself up for 10 days not 13.  Agh this is causing me such stress.  I know I can't justify it and I know it's going to hurt me.  

7:50pm:  I don't think I'm going to do the second Smooth Move I planned on.  I really don't want to become dependent on laxatives... cause I never poop as it is.  And it's going to kill my stomach and I actually need to sleep tonight... I can't be getting up and going to the bathroom.

9:15pm:  I'm foregoing the last glass today.  I'm drinking some peppermint tea.   And about an hour ago I took 7 laxative tablets.  

10:01pm:  I went to the bathroom a little bit ago and my suitemate goes, "Going to visit your best friend?"  Haha at the time it pissed me off but now I guess it's funny.  I hate the thought that I met these people two weeks ago...not even... and they're already associating me with poop.  

I decided to skip the salt water tomorrow.  I shouldn't be doing the laxative tablets, the Smooth Move and the salt water.  Plus when I do the salt water nothing solid comes out of me like it does when I drink the tea.  So I'll skip tomorrow... drink the tea tomorrow night....  do the salt water Monday and not drink the tea Monday night. 

10:16pm:  I'm exhausted...ready for bed.  I just wanted to add that I have totally not been wanting a cigarette.  I'm not going to go bad to them.  Or at least try not to.  I can't afford to buy packs anyway.  Remember that...  DON'T SPEND MONEY ON CIGARETTES.  It's like paying to die.  Weed on the other hand....  I plan on buying some while I'm home.  My neck and shoulders are sore but they always are.  Everything on me is always sore.  I thought this owuld make it a little better...and maybe it will.

I can not friggin believe I'm half way through.  I keep thinking of it as the time that I've spent on the cleanse is the time I have left...  and it hasn't been bad so far so I can keep going.  Agh I've been saying that to myself all day and right now it just all seems so daunting.  5 more days?  Can I really make it through 5 more days?  Yes I can.  And I will.