The night before

So here I go... starting the cleanse.  I'm excited...  I am.  Nervous, scared...sure.  But, mostly excited.  Although I am dreading the fact that this is the first week of classes... which isn't a big deal really it's not like I do work anyway... I'm just hoping I don't collapse in class... or worse... make someone collapse from smelling my stank breath which I'm sure I will have from not eating.  My plans for starting the cleanse last week got shot to shit when my hips decided they hated me and didn't want me to be able to walk.  I also was going to start the cleanse the day after tomorrow, but am almost certain the financial aid trolls are going to somehow screw me out of qualifying for work study, claiming I have no financial "need" even though right now I have 57 cents in my back account.  So I decided last minute to commence my cleanse a day early.  

I think the biggest reason why I'm scared (other than failing) is because I have no support.  I'm at a time in my life where I have no friends to talk to or confide in... and my family will NOT get this.  Our lives revolve around food.  Hey...  we're Italian.  And my mom won't let me go to a chiropractor because that's too "new age" for her...  so this would really just be too much to understand.  I'm hoping that writing here will help me work things out in my head for myself.  I think that's what I really need anyway.  

I went to Whole Foods today and stocked up on supplies... 

Herbal laxative.  I'm using Swiss Kriss... the bottle said to take 2 but the book said to take 5...  so I went with the book...  I never ever poop anyway...  I'm sure (and hope) I'll eat - or...er - drink those words later.  Chocolate Smooth Move and peppermint tea, sea salt, cayenne pepper and Grade B Maple Syrup.  Oh yea... and the lemons.  Friggin a buck a piece.  But like the book said... I deserve it right now.  And it's not like I'm going to be spending my money on Popeyes or KFC, which seems to be my only eating options in my new neighborhood, and I probably couldn't afford a bucket of chicken anyway or even just a side of coleslaw... but I digress.  

"The book"... by the way...is Tom Woloshyn's The Complete Guide to the Master Cleanse.  I'm following it pretty much exactly.  Part of his advice is to keep a journal... which I will make this blog (my first blog... welcome to 2009!)  Here we go:

I AM DOING THE MASTER CLEANSE BECAUSE:

I am doing the Master Cleanse because I want to better myself as a person.  I want to feel better, both physically and mentally.  I want to prove to myself that I can do it.  I want to show myself that I can accomplish a goal.  I want to do this now because there is no better time than now.  

*side note:  I am newly single (ended a 2.5 year relationship six months ago).. still not recuperated...but I am getting there and I will get there.  I also just moved to Harlem.  This is a really exciting and terrifying time in my life and I am so looking forward to finally getting myself to a happy place.  And I guess this cleanse is a part of kicking off the new happy life...  anyway.

Okay so why I'm doing the cleanse.  Just a warning to anyone reading (which I doubt is anyone but if you are reading...HI!) I'm going to be totally honest and leave nothing to the imagination.  

Okay...  I've smoked weed just about everyday for like the past... oh jesus... five years.  That's scary to think about.  I didn't realize its been such a long period of time.  I guess I've been in a fog (probably exhale of a joint) since undergrad...  probably longer.  So...  I love weed.  Despite my adoration for marijuana, I am fully aware and recognize the negative effects it has on my body and mind.  It's also expensive... and for someone with pocket change to her name it's time to cut back.  People say that you can't get addicted to weed... and yea I guess you can't.  I used to have a physical addiction to cigarettes... and when I needed a cigarette I would get a physical reaction or displeasure and kind of physical pain.  I don't necessarily get a physical effect when I don't have weed but I definitely freak out mentally.  I've been choosing to smoke and sit on my fat lazy ass home by myself instead of going out and exploring... and being sad when I didn't have weed instead of being sad about the life that I was missing out on.  So that's gonna change.

I'm also a cigarette smoker.  I smoked from when I was 14 then quit for a year from 20 to 21 until I had an unexpected death in the family and took cigarettes back as my friend.  The physical addiction has definitely decreased from before I had quit.  Now it's like a compulsive comfort social thing and it's just awful.  I stink.  I smell gross.  And it's MAD expensive.  Frickin 10 bucks a pack...  It's stupid...  smoking cigarettes (and weed everyday) is just stupid.  For someone who wants to be a teacher that's pretty disgusting.  That's not the role model I want to be.

MEASUREMENTS 

I've never taken my measurements and am not really doing this to lose weight (although that's a bonus...ok who am I kidding I def wanna lose weight and this will help kick off a not eating total shit lifestyle) but I'm just curious how my body is going to change.  I should take a picture of myself on my brand new handy dandy Mac...  I will tomorrow.  

Weight:  158

Chest:  40

Hips:  40.5

Waist:  34.5

Thighs:  24

Arms (bicep)  13.5

Energy Level (1-10):  5   (although I kind of even wanna say 4... that's bad)

I have my five laxative tablets in my belly and am ready to go to bed.  Or do I want one last cigarette?  Hmm...  it's 3am, I'm in my pajamas and its about 17 degrees outside.  Yea...  I want the cigarette.    Goodbye old friend.  Hopefully this will be our last hurrah.