Day 10

9:48am: My last salt water flush!!!! Hallelujah!

7:52pm: Okay...so I just caved. I had a cigarette. My rationale is that it is my last day of the cleanse and one cigarette was not going to pollute my body so much that it will erase the past ten days. It was also a kind of celebratory thing that... this whole time all I kept telling myself was that all I had to do was just get through class today and I was golden. It ALSO was a boredom thing. I'm bored. The taste in my mouth is so strong and the smell is making me sick. Was it worth it? Probably not. But I did it. It's done.

My situation for coming off the cleanse is not good either. I told my Grandma I wanted Ben's when I came home... she's still in the dark really about the whole cleanse thing. When I talked to her today she was like "Just promise you're not starving yourself" which I'm not... and I even tried to say we'll have Ben's Saturday but for some reason this made her upset... so looks like I'm starting to eat tomorrow. There's no way I am fully cleansed.. not even close. I would have to do this a much longer time than ten days... which I plan on doing the next time around. So I'm not going to beat myself up over not properly coming off the cleanse if I know I'm not fully cleansed in the first place... if that makes sense... and it does to me.

Now I'm bored. I considered going home tonight... but I'm exhausted and didn't want to chance eating tonight and it would be easier to drink the drink here.

Wow I'm feeling REALLY guilty about the cigarette. Damn.

I totally ran out of maple syrup. I went to Whole Foods earlier today to get lemons and some oranges and probiotics but didn't want to spend the money on syrup if I wasn't totally sure that I needed a whole new one. I think I have about one tablespoon left.. which will get me through the night.

My stomach hurts now. Probably the cigarette. Or the guilt.

I'm booooored. It's like literally 15 degrees outside but feels like way below zero. The wind huuuurts my face... it's totally raw. So I can't do anything... I'm just stuck in my room watching tv. I wish the cutie would call... which he won't. I saw him earlier on my way to class... he was coming back. :-( I wish he would give me something to do so I'm not just stuck here thinking about cigarettes.

Oh yea... my cousin sent me a text earlier telling me she was proud of me and my roommate said she was proud also. My roommate also said I look really good and that my skin looks great (which is weird cause I feel like I'm all pimply and wind chapped) and I look lively. It made me feel good.

8:26pm: Might as well do my measurements now. I'm nervous. Here goes:

Weight: ??? Won't know until tomorrow

Chest: 39

Hips: 39.5

Waist: 31

Thighs: 23

Arms (bicep) 12.5

Energy Level (1-10): In general this past week (cause right now it's like a .5) I'd say 7!

WOW! I lost an inch off everything except my waist. 3.5 inches!!!!!!! Now it's only 4 inches bigger than Scarlett Johannsen (I spent a lot of time in the bathroom the past ten days therefore I spent a lot of time reading US Weekly) I lost a total of 7.5 inches from my whole body! That's more than half a foot. Incredible. I wonder what my weight is.

9:53pm: Having my last glass of this cleanse. Ahhh. Had exactly one tablespoon of syrup yay. This is weird. My last glass. I retired my juicer and measuring spoons. Feels good. I'll take 6 or 7 laxatives tonight and then off to home. I'll write more when I come back. :-)


I made it.

Day 9

Hol-y cow.  It's Day 9.  I knew I kept saying I knew I was going to make it... but deep down I don't think I really believed myself until now.  Day 9... wow.

It's 1:37pm now.  I totally slept in today.  I woke up at 7:30 to eliminate three friggin times.  My stomach hurt really bad and I was pissed I had to keep getting out of bed.  So by 8 I decided I would get up but just close my eyes a few minutes more.  Sure enough I fell back asleep til about noon.  I did the salt water flush and (now that my battery is working....  I <3>

I can't believe I'm still eliminating that grainy solid stuff.  It's started to smell too ut not the foul smell that I read should be uh..smelling.  I think I am SO toxic it took about a week for the cleanse to begin (I read it usually starts after about the 3rd day).  The next time I do the cleanse (Oh yes... there will definitely be a next time) I will stay on it longer.  

I am seriously thirsty today.  I'm gonna make my first glass (probably 2) and drink some ice cold water.  OMG I'm thirsty.

9:50pm:  Again...  I can NOT believe it's been NINE days!  Okay...  Went to class... blah blah blah...had a drink.. I was really really hungry so now having another (6 today).  It didn't help when I opened my fridge to get the syrup and seeing some delicious meat in a ziploc bag... hah I don't even know what kind of meat it was.  All I know is that I want it.  

I only have two lemons left.  I went from getting too many lemons the first trip to Whole Foods to not enough the second trip.  I only need like two more so I'm going to try and track down organic lemons in Harlem somewhere so I don't have to go to Whole Foods.  It would just figure if I cracked the last day of the cleanse.  

My professor was eating her dinner in class before it technically started.  It almost killed me.  I think it was some kind of Halal.  Mmmmmm...  I can NOT wait for this weekend.  

My skin is SO dry.  Not saying it's the cleanse.  It's probably the weather.  But it's never been this dry in my life.  It actually hurts.  Especially my face (this is where my mother would say... "And it's killing me!").

Oh yea so earlier I was bored and lonely...what else is new... and decided since the cutie hadn't called me I would call him.  I decided to do the opposite of everything the old Kate would do.  The old Kate wouldn't call... so the new Kate called.  He was going to the gym and I said he could come by if he's bored after he could come by.  That was an hour and a half ago so I guess he's not coming... but at least I tried.  I don't care he's not coming and I am happy that I asked.  :-)  

12:05am:  Ahhhh  he called.  :-)  But this isn't about boys...  ahhh but he caaalled.  And he remembered tomorrow is the last day of my fast. :-)  He listened.  

I forgot to mention that when I was walking to school today I started to feel really paranoid and guilty for smoking weed before class... and then I was like... wait...  I totally DIDN'T smoke anything.  I felt like I was high.  It was really really weird and lasted a good hour.  

I am having major issues with going back to eating.  I like.. don't want to do it.  Obviously I want to eat cause I keep talking about it...  but I like that I'm losing weight.  I like that food isn't a part of my life right now.  I'm afraid to gain all the weight back.  I want to keep losing weight.  I want to get to my goal weight.  I've been saying this now for yeeears.  Now's the time.  God I really want to do it.  I just don't know how.  I need to come up with a new diet game plan.  Weight Watchers again?  That did work the first time.  I wish my mom would pay for the meetings.  The meetings definitely helped.  Calorie counting?  Or maybe just the Graduate student diet... which entails being dead broke and not being able to afford food.  Yea that sounds like the most realistic plan.  I hope I don't start smoking cigarettes to help with not eating.  Part of me wants to keep drinking the lemonade...  at least for breakfast.  I don't know why I haven't read anyone who just drinks the lemonade like once a day.  Is that pointless?  Is it harmful? 

Sleep now... or at least lying awake thinking of this guy's body.  You just really don't understand.  It's perfect.  That's also making me feel insecure... cause mine is totally not.  Agh.  I'll stop thinking about my body and just think about his... on mine. :-)

Day 8

3:51pm:  Agh I totally am uprepared for class and need to go search for the book I should have read and try and read it in 40 minutes so I'll be quick.

Woke up early... go me.  To a text from the cut boy nonetheless :-)  Went to Apple...  got a newer version laptop and doubled my RAM for free.  How?  I don't know.  So...  good day so far... except for the being unprepared for class...  :-(

I did the salt water this morning...  yuck...  and I feel like I just eliminated the salt water and not much solids.  One of the eliminations was like all mucus though so actually I take it back...  it probably was a good thing I did it.  I'll skip the tea tonight and do the flush again tomorrow.  Um what else...  Had 1.5 glasses before I left (I meant to have another but forgot but wasn't that hungry throughout my Apple journey) and now I'm drinking 2.5 more before class... up to 4 today.  

My old coworkers want me to come over tonight but its snowing and I don't have snow appropriate shoes and I'd rather not subject myself to watch people eating (I am so very thankful I haven't had to be with anyone and food... like my family... during this time... it's made everything so much easier)...  and the cute boy said he might text me.  So I don't know if I should go to my coworkers...go home and maybe the guy will call... I don't know... we'll see.

Oh yea speaking of family...  my aunt obviously heard from my mother (because nothing is left unshared in my family) about my doing the cleanse and she gave me props.  It felt good.  I bet she's jealous I have the will power... she's that type. 

So I'm acknowledging the fact that I've lost some weight (I won't know how much til I go home in 3 days).  But I feel like it's just a temporary thing and the second I put something in my mouth I'm going to blow up again.  But something occurred to me.  I'm really REALLY excited to eat again... and that was making me sad because I'm gonna get fat and be lazy like I was... but then it occurred to me... I'm excited to eat healthy foods.  I know now what it's like not to eat... so I definitely have an appreciation for all foods, even good for you foods!  Imagine that.  I will let myself be bad every now and then... let's be realistic.  But generally I picture myself eating a lot better.  I'm really hungry right now.  I am the hungriest at night it seems.... I wonder how much of this is real hunger and how much is boredom.  I'd say 65:35.  

1:08am:  Woooooooooooooooooo!  The cutie from the bus came over!  And we watched a movie.  And I let him pick...  and he picked......CLUELESS!  YAY!!!  I drank another drink...let him try it... thought it was way too spicy.  So I just took 6 laxatives and now have to try to go to sleep but I'm sure I'll just think of him.  :-D   

Oh yea...

TWO

MORE

DAAAAAYYYYYYYSSSSSSSS!

Day 7

12:52pm:  I totally screwed up my plans of waking up early...doing the flush...getting things done.  I was EXHAUSTED this morning I slept til 11:40.  I slept like a really really deep sleep and I just let myself keep going I felt I deserved it.  Sleep helps the body recover and heal itself so I thought I needed it.  I eliminated in the middle of the night and twice after I woke up.  The second elimination looks like all mucus.  Except there was something in there that could have been a parasite...  it looked like a worm kind of... or it could have just been a worm shaped poop.  My stomach hurts.  I'm drinking two glasses before I go to school to get some work then.  Ooooo but my stomach hurts.  I'm like doubled over.  It feels like stuff needs to come out but I just can't imagine anything is left in there too.  Oh yea... I skipped the salt water.  I could not bare the thought of it.  Plus I didn't want to hang around for a few hours while I eliminated because I have to get out.  I feel I'm eliminating more solids with the tea anyway so I think I'll do the flush tomorrow and see how it goes... if it's just liquid I'll go back to the tea for the last two days.   I am soooooo tired!  I feel like my eyes aren't open all the way and that the bags under them need a cucumber or something.  God how I would love to lay in bed all day.  But instead I have to do math homework that apparently a kindergartener should be able to do BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT.  It's so embarrassing.  Agh okay... I'm going

4:38pm:  Just got back from Whole Foods (which took way longer than it should have cause a building was on fire on 125th and the bus couldn't get through but I met a way cutie while waiting so heehee...  I for some reason even explained to him that I was fasting and that's why my breath smelled...oh god I'm an idiot).  Whole Foods was TORTURE..  seeing all that food and smelling all the smells and watching people eat.  I was like GET ME OUT OF HERE.  I can't wait to go food shopping there though after this is done.  But I should go to Trader Joes... I think it's a lot cheaper.  Oh I got a few oranges (4 for 6 frickin bucks...organic is so expensive and I am so broke) to eat on Friday.  I'm drinking 2.5 glasses.  I don't think I'll be able to have another glass before I get home from class at 10pm.  I'm going to be hungry and not focus. 

Okay that's another thing.  I am not focusing AT ALL.  I feel like when I do when I smoke a ton of weed the night before... like if I try to read, I'm just looking at the worlds, not actually reading them.  I thought this was supposed to make focusing better.  Maybe weed makes focusing better.  Maybe when I start eating again I'll start focusing cause I just can't continue like this.  Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to do this the first week of classes.  I already feel totally lost in every class and we haven't even really begun yet.  Okay going to school to "read" and then class.'

11:37pm:  I got back from class at like 10.  I totally don't remember what I've been doing since then other than I took a shower.  I'm like totally in a daze.  I had two glasses .after I got home and I'm having another 1 now (total of 7.5 today).  

My skin is really bad.  I have pimples everywhere and I never get pimples.  :-(  I hope it's the toxins rising to the surface in the form of zits.   I feel ugly.  But what else is new.  

1:08am:  I just realized I forgot to take my laxative tablets.  Agh.  I usually take them at about 9pm but I just took 7 now.  I really hope nothing happens at the Apple Store.  I'm doing the salt water tomorrow.  I'm really really hungry.  I'm getting really sick of this.  Three more days.  I've done 8, I can do 3 more.  I saw a commercial for Taco Bell.  That's what did it.  I am starving.  I can't wait til Saturday...even though my last day is Thursday... I'm letting myself have the Ruben Saturday.  I'm thinking of it like I was originally going to do the cleanse just for a week... so Saturday would be my good to eat day then.  I don't know that doesn't make sense.  I don't care.  I'm having a Ruben Saturday.  I think I would need to do the cleanse longer than ten days to really detoxify anything.  So I'm not feeling so bad about eating earlier than I should.  I'm trying to justify this.  I really just can't.  I don't care.  I'm eating the friggin Ruben Saturday.  Friday I'm going to have the lemonade in the morning... eat oranges throughout the day... and a salad with lite dressing for dinner.  Omg now Paula Dean is on Conan.  I am hunggggggggggggggggry.

Day 6

6:58pm:  Ahhhhh....  sitting (laying) down for the first time today.  Today didn't suck as much as I thought.  Got up early..disgustingly early...  drank two glasses before I left...  had another two at about noon...  drank 1.5ish when I got home.  My Smooth Move is steeping.

Last night I had a lot of dreams...well really nightmares... about food.  I woke up from each panicked.  And it wasn't until I was on the bus going to work this morning that I convinced myself they didn't happen.

One dream involved spaghetti and my Grandma.  I think she was yelling at me to eat some spaghetti and eventually talked me into it.  Another was my cousin bought me a Ruben and was like "I know it's a few days early but here's the Ruben it'll be right over here" and put it in the refrigerator but I misunderstood that as the cleanse is over and I can eat it now.  So when I had a big delicious mouth full I realized I had broken the cleanse.  I really thought I had screwed up this morning.  I was really confused.  I smiled so big like a freak to myself on the bus though when I realized I was still on track and good to go.

The lady I work for said I was her hero for being able to stick to this.  That made me feel good.  She kept saying "You must be so tired" because of the fast.  I wanted to be like "No... I'm so tired cause you're kids are totally insane and you have me running all over the place."  But I told her..and it's true...  I feel pretty good.  I'm tired cause I got really lousy sleep last night... but rather upbeat seeing that I haven't eaten anything in 6 days.  

I want to say that it's weird to not have eaten anything in such a long period of time.... but it just doesn't feel that weird.  Is that weird?  Is it weird to not feel weird that I haven't eaten anything solid in almost a week?  

I still am not convinced that this cleanse is having any effect on me.  Maybe I'm so toxic that it would take over a week to even start feeling the effects.  

Oh yea..  when I was taking a shower earlier I noticed that I have a bruise...well two bruises on my side... like on my waist near my hip.  They're totally blue and I can not imagine what they're from.  

8:51pm:  Just drank another 1.5 glasses (7 today).  My tongue is definitely gross.  My tongue occasionally is white and you can see my teeth marks on it sometimes.. like usually the day after a night of getting wasted...  but I just looked at it and it's for sure white and for sure gross.  It looks like it's hairy... if that makes any sense.  like the taste buds have little white fur on them.  I don't know why I'm having such a hard time believing that these are effects of the cleanse and not something else... like effects from just not eating.  I feel like your tongue would be gross anyway from not eating.  Like my breath.  My breath has been stank.  Whenever I don't eat my breath is stank.  So is it really the toxins rising to the surface on my tongue?  Or is it just cause that's what happens when you don't eat?

I talked to my grandma again.  Oh yea...  I talked to my mom while I was at work and told her I was on the cleanse after she asked me what I was going to have to dinner.  I basically got no reaction... but I told her I was proud of myself... kind of expecting a "I'm proud of you too" or at least a "good for you" or eeeven "good" but nothing.  I don't care if doesn't really matter to me.  I'm proud of myself.

I really think what's getting me through this is the thought of a Ruben at the end...  

11:26pm:  I eliminated a few times.  This is the most my stomach has hurt this entire time.  There is still solids coming out of me.  I don't know if they're technically considered solids but still.   And it smelled like lemons.  That's another thing.  I heard that your eliminations are supposed to smell totally foul but mine haven't smelled AT ALL.  Took 6 laxatives a bit ago.  I'm getting sick of this.  I can't wait to go home.

Day 5

5:28pm:  What a day.  I decided to skip the salt water today...worried that there was too much salt in my system from my screw up yesterday.  So I am making a Smooth Move right now and plan to have one later tonight as well kind of to make up for skipping it.  

I had a game plan today in order for myself to keep busy...not get sad... and not think about food..... but it totally got shot to shit.  I was going to go to school, print my readings for the week, read them on the subway on the way to the Apple Store on 14th which I had to go to cause my laptop that I got TWO WEEKS AGO is already not working (battery won't charge).... and then see either Slumdog Millionaire or The Wrestler (by myself... that's a big deal for me)  So I had 2 glasses before I left then walked to school only to find ALL computer labs were closed for the day... then shlepted to the Apple Store on 14th only to be told I had to schedule an appointment which I could have done online... then walked to Union Square to the movie theatre there.  Big mistake.  Big big mistake.  So I get to the theatre and of course they're the only theatre in the city not playing anything nominated for an Oscar so I stood on a corner and called 777-FILM to find another theatre I could go to... when it hit me.  I became overwhelmed with sadness and panic.  Union Square had wayyy too many memories of me and M.  I slightly freaked and wanted to get the hell out of there.  I was going to walk back to the A but decided I needed out of there NOW so waited for the L...  of course took to long and while waiting I lost control of my emotions and started crying.  The hipsters going to Williamsburg were def looking at me like I was nuts so I just ran out of there and took whatever subway I could AWAY.  I cried the whole way home trying not to let anyone notice.  I miss him so much.  My heart is breaking all over again.  I have to let these emotions go so they'll just be out of me and not hold me back anymore.  I really miss him.  But in times like these I forget all the bad things and only remember the good.  I'm so afraid of running into him... although he could be out of state... maybe out of country.  Part of me wants to respond to one of the emails he's sent... but I know deep down that's a bad idea.  I've just been crying all day.  I'm sure the cleanse is not helping my sadness...  but it does remind me that I have to just let go...   let it go.

Then I got home... put on my sweats and was excited to relax when I realized I forgot to pick up water.  Aghhhh.   I measured out what I have left and it's just enough to get me through tonight and tomorrow morning. 

Okay... so tomorrow is going to SUCK.  I have to pick up one of the kids from a sleep over on Park Ave at frickin 8:45 in the morning.  I can either take a bus which I NEVER do...  or a train with a transfer.  Anyway that's not even the part that sucks the most.  I want to do the salt water flush cause I didn't do it today.  But in order to do that I'm going to have to wake up at like 5:30am.  And what sucks even more is that I'm working til 6pm!  And you're not supposed to mix the drink ahead of time... you can make it into a concentrate apparently but I don't have any container to put it in so that's out for me.  And these kids are allergic to EVERYTHING so with my luck I'll have to use the epi pen on them if I bring the ingredients with me.  I guess my plan is to bring some ingredients with me...  make a drink while one of them is at a lesson (can you imagine... I'm going to have to mix this drink in a bathroom stall in Chelsea Piers... sheesh) at about 1:30pm then hopefully not have to drink another one til I get home.

I really can't stop crying.  I want to talk to my mom but she just totally won't understand and I don't want her to know I'm sad.  I have a headache...  which is starting to pound... it's from crying.

I've been concerned with parasite cleansing.  I really want to do it.  The book suggests taking a parasite cleansing remedy product so I decided I would take Clove tablets... but couldn't find them (yet another thing that didn't work in my favor today).  I'm not going to concern myself with it too much for now just because I want myself to get through the rest of this cleanse and will be proud of myself for doing as much as I did.  I plan to do a full parasite cleansing shortly after I finish the cleanse.

I just got off the phone with my Grandma and told her I was coming home Friday and the first thing she said was "Ooo we'll go out to eat!  Where do you wanna go?"  I can't tell her I can't go out to eat.  She won't get this.  And I don't want anyone bringing me down.... which they will.  

Agh my head hurts...  I'm gonna drink my tea (gaggggg) and lay down.

7:20pm:  Just eliminated.  I can't believe (well yes I can) I'm eliminating solids.  The thought is kind of sickening.  I have waste inside me even though I haven't eaten anything solid in 5 days.  It's still the grainy goodness... there was a lemon pit in there ew.  I don't know if I'm being informative or disgusting.  I hope informative.  My suitemate gave me props... yay me.  Oooow my stomach hurts.  Having another glass (4 so far) which I'll most likely take with me back to the toilet.

Oh yea.  Today I have been adding half the amount of maple syrup to my drinks.  I'm trying to be as tired as possible (your energy comes from the maple syrup) so that I can go to bed early and actually wake up at frickin 5:30am (I still can't believe this is happening).  

I'm totally freaking out over coming off the cleanse.  Now I just read something that you should take probiotics (something I had never even heard of) while you're coming off.  I really wanted to follow this thing EXACTLY but I am just not going to do the day 1: drinking orange juice only, day 2:  orange juice and vegetable broth,  day 3: vegetables...  It's just not happening.  I'm upset about it... I am.  But...  I need to go home.  And to be totally honest I wasn't aware of the 3 days post cleanse until the night before I began.  So I psyched myself up for 10 days not 13.  Agh this is causing me such stress.  I know I can't justify it and I know it's going to hurt me.  

7:50pm:  I don't think I'm going to do the second Smooth Move I planned on.  I really don't want to become dependent on laxatives... cause I never poop as it is.  And it's going to kill my stomach and I actually need to sleep tonight... I can't be getting up and going to the bathroom.

9:15pm:  I'm foregoing the last glass today.  I'm drinking some peppermint tea.   And about an hour ago I took 7 laxative tablets.  

10:01pm:  I went to the bathroom a little bit ago and my suitemate goes, "Going to visit your best friend?"  Haha at the time it pissed me off but now I guess it's funny.  I hate the thought that I met these people two weeks ago...not even... and they're already associating me with poop.  

I decided to skip the salt water tomorrow.  I shouldn't be doing the laxative tablets, the Smooth Move and the salt water.  Plus when I do the salt water nothing solid comes out of me like it does when I drink the tea.  So I'll skip tomorrow... drink the tea tomorrow night....  do the salt water Monday and not drink the tea Monday night. 

10:16pm:  I'm exhausted...ready for bed.  I just wanted to add that I have totally not been wanting a cigarette.  I'm not going to go bad to them.  Or at least try not to.  I can't afford to buy packs anyway.  Remember that...  DON'T SPEND MONEY ON CIGARETTES.  It's like paying to die.  Weed on the other hand....  I plan on buying some while I'm home.  My neck and shoulders are sore but they always are.  Everything on me is always sore.  I thought this owuld make it a little better...and maybe it will.

I can not friggin believe I'm half way through.  I keep thinking of it as the time that I've spent on the cleanse is the time I have left...  and it hasn't been bad so far so I can keep going.  Agh I've been saying that to myself all day and right now it just all seems so daunting.  5 more days?  Can I really make it through 5 more days?  Yes I can.  And I will.

Day 4

9:27am:  I was woken up by a serious of texts from the lady I work for.  Which is fine cause I'm not tired at all.  I woke up in the middle of the night to eliminate.  I'm pretty sure I fell asleep on the toilet.  It was solid... again, not really solid but brown grainy goodness.

10:00ish:  I eliminated.  I'm thinking the tea was a good idea.  More grainy goodness... AND mucus!  The grains kind of sank to the bottom and streamed around were these strings of slimy pieces.  It looked like I had pooped some snot.  And this is good!  I want the mucus out!  Right now it's 10:32 and I'm drinking my salt water flush.  Again...  doesn't taste bad (I don't know if I added too much salt or if my tastes are heightened cause it definitely tastes saltier)... but so much to drink.  Agh.  Let's see how this goes.  I'm excited.

4:57pm:  So I am an IIIIIDDDDDIIIIIIIOOOOOOOTTTTTT!!!  After I finished my salt flush this morning I started to feel panicky and my heart was beating fast and I was nauseous and then it occurred to me...  I DOUBLED the salt that I should have put in!  Since it won't all fit in one glass I split it into two...  so it's two teaspoons of salt all together (one in each glass) but I put two in each!  So when it was saltier...  it actually was much saltier than it should have been.  How stupid of me.  I made myself throw most of it up...  some of it went through me and I eliminated.  What a way to start the day.  Because of all of this I had to quickly drink one glass containing 2.5 servings before I went to work...  I just got home from work and made 1.5 glass. 

Oh yea... and in between eliminating and throwing up the salt water my anus started bleeding.  Not a lot...  I think it's just from wiping so much plus the burning.  There was also something red in my throw up.  I don't know if it was blood or some cayenne pepper (the blood on my anus is definitely blood...  it hurts even now).  It was a very small amount.

My old co worker is supposed to come over tonight to watch a movie.  I'm nervous.  I don't know if he's going to bring food with him or want food while he's here.  He knows I'm doing the cleanse but he's somewhat of an idiot so I hope it occurs to him that's he's not going to be able to (or shouldn't) eat here.   I guess it'll be a good thing because I'll probably be less sad tonight.  I'm feeling really anti social though.  I kind of wish he wasn't coming.  I say that... but then I complain when I'm alone.  Agh I don't know.  

I have been less hungry today although my stomach growled so loud the kid I babysit for was like "OMG YOU ARE HUUUNGRY."  I don't think it was a hunger growl I think it was just activity going on in my stomach.  

Also...  I'm pissed.  The book said I would need approximately 60-80 lemons for the whole ten days but only to buy three days worth at a time so they wouldn't go bad.  So I bought 25ish lemons and they're going bad!  I haven't used nearly as much as he approximated...  I guess I'm a a good juicer (I've been using one I got in a 99 cent store...  I love 99 cent stores).  But these lemons were a buck each.  You're not supposed to refrigerate them because it apparently makes them have less enzymes, taste worse, and could make you nauseous.  But I have to.  I've been taking a few out at a time letting the others sit in the fridge but agh...  I don't have money to waste.

I'm glad Day 4 wasn't the hell day that I expected.  Maybe I won't have a hell day.  Maybe I'm not doing this right.

8:01pm:  I just drank a Smooth Move.  I decided to since I botched the salt water this morning.  I also canceled my co-worker.  I feel pretty bad.  He was like three blocks from my house when I told him I was falling asleep.  I mean it is true...  I am having trouble keeping my eyes open... and I just couldn't bare the thought of entertaining someone right now.  I'm really really tired...  more mentally than physically.  Like really all I can do is watch TV.  Which sucks because of the commercials for food and people eating in the shows.  I also keep having flash backs to one day when we were in the salon and the manager announced that she was pregnant...  I looked over at him and he whispered to another co worker "Kate looks like she's pregnant."  So I don't feel that bad for canceling.  That just kept replaying over and over in my head and I just didn't want to be around him.  Or anyone.  I just want to be alone and get through this.

I think I've decided to get my tattoo finally.  After my cousin April died I considered getting "Just keep swimming" because it was a motivational line that really helped me..  and she absolutely loved Finding Nemo (who doesn't really...  but she freakishly looked like Dory) so it will remind me of her.  I always looked up to her and she's still a role model for me.  Just keep swimming is really helping me through this cleanse... like it's helped me before... like it will help me later.  Hmm...  maybe I'll watch Finding Nemo tonight.  I'm trying to think of a movie to watch that doesn't have any eating in it.  

The book says that problems with constipation have a lot to do with problems with letting go of emotions and holding on to the past.  I know I have these problems.  The book also says that while we eliminate our waste we should eliminate our hang ups etc.  I want to.  I really really want to.  I feel like if I let go of my emotions I'll start screaming and never stop.  I've cried everyday at least since London (where I studied in 2005).  I'm sick of crying.  

8:24pm: Had 1.5 glasses

I don't know how into the whole three days of restrictive eating after the cleanse I am.  I'm going home Day "11."  The book is telling me I need to drink fresh orange juice all day.  I just really don't see that happening.  I was originally not going to do the full 10 days and only do a week so I'm kind of justifying my not doing the three days post cleanse with that.  I'm going to eat oranges (the books says it's okay to eat them instead of drink them) all day Friday and then for dinner that night have a salad with fresh vegetables and a lite dressing.  I was going to do only eat vegetables on Saturday... but...  I don't know.  I'll see how I feel... but right now I'm really feleing a Ruben.  I want a Ruben soooooo baaaaaaad.  Maybe I'll do the orange thing again during the day and then a Ruben for dinner...  okay yea that's what I'm gonna do.

10:42pm:  Having one last glass (total of 6.5 today).  I didn't even want it... I just want to use up these lemons.  I've upped the cayenne pepper just cause I can take the heat.  I also took 7 laxative tablets.  I know it sounds like I'm abusing the laxatives but that's what I've needed to take to have any effect.  

I kind of feel a little high.  Like I'm having trouble focusing and I don't know how to describe it... but when I'm high my eye balls move in... haha I can't even think of what I was going to say!  Am I just totally exhausted?  Or is there weed being stirred up inside me?  Maybe a little of both?  Nah I'm probably just deliriously tired.

I want to stop cracking my knuckles... and everything else I can possible crack.  It's such a bad habit and I'm sure it's not helping my body feel good.  And it's not a good example to set as a teacher.  I'm going to stop cracking...everything.

I feel like this is the most boring blog ever but it is really helping me through this.  A lot.

When I get through tomorrow I'll be halfway there!