Day 10

9:48am: My last salt water flush!!!! Hallelujah!

7:52pm: Okay...so I just caved. I had a cigarette. My rationale is that it is my last day of the cleanse and one cigarette was not going to pollute my body so much that it will erase the past ten days. It was also a kind of celebratory thing that... this whole time all I kept telling myself was that all I had to do was just get through class today and I was golden. It ALSO was a boredom thing. I'm bored. The taste in my mouth is so strong and the smell is making me sick. Was it worth it? Probably not. But I did it. It's done.

My situation for coming off the cleanse is not good either. I told my Grandma I wanted Ben's when I came home... she's still in the dark really about the whole cleanse thing. When I talked to her today she was like "Just promise you're not starving yourself" which I'm not... and I even tried to say we'll have Ben's Saturday but for some reason this made her upset... so looks like I'm starting to eat tomorrow. There's no way I am fully cleansed.. not even close. I would have to do this a much longer time than ten days... which I plan on doing the next time around. So I'm not going to beat myself up over not properly coming off the cleanse if I know I'm not fully cleansed in the first place... if that makes sense... and it does to me.

Now I'm bored. I considered going home tonight... but I'm exhausted and didn't want to chance eating tonight and it would be easier to drink the drink here.

Wow I'm feeling REALLY guilty about the cigarette. Damn.

I totally ran out of maple syrup. I went to Whole Foods earlier today to get lemons and some oranges and probiotics but didn't want to spend the money on syrup if I wasn't totally sure that I needed a whole new one. I think I have about one tablespoon left.. which will get me through the night.

My stomach hurts now. Probably the cigarette. Or the guilt.

I'm booooored. It's like literally 15 degrees outside but feels like way below zero. The wind huuuurts my face... it's totally raw. So I can't do anything... I'm just stuck in my room watching tv. I wish the cutie would call... which he won't. I saw him earlier on my way to class... he was coming back. :-( I wish he would give me something to do so I'm not just stuck here thinking about cigarettes.

Oh yea... my cousin sent me a text earlier telling me she was proud of me and my roommate said she was proud also. My roommate also said I look really good and that my skin looks great (which is weird cause I feel like I'm all pimply and wind chapped) and I look lively. It made me feel good.

8:26pm: Might as well do my measurements now. I'm nervous. Here goes:

Weight: ??? Won't know until tomorrow

Chest: 39

Hips: 39.5

Waist: 31

Thighs: 23

Arms (bicep) 12.5

Energy Level (1-10): In general this past week (cause right now it's like a .5) I'd say 7!

WOW! I lost an inch off everything except my waist. 3.5 inches!!!!!!! Now it's only 4 inches bigger than Scarlett Johannsen (I spent a lot of time in the bathroom the past ten days therefore I spent a lot of time reading US Weekly) I lost a total of 7.5 inches from my whole body! That's more than half a foot. Incredible. I wonder what my weight is.

9:53pm: Having my last glass of this cleanse. Ahhh. Had exactly one tablespoon of syrup yay. This is weird. My last glass. I retired my juicer and measuring spoons. Feels good. I'll take 6 or 7 laxatives tonight and then off to home. I'll write more when I come back. :-)


I made it.

Day 9

Hol-y cow.  It's Day 9.  I knew I kept saying I knew I was going to make it... but deep down I don't think I really believed myself until now.  Day 9... wow.

It's 1:37pm now.  I totally slept in today.  I woke up at 7:30 to eliminate three friggin times.  My stomach hurt really bad and I was pissed I had to keep getting out of bed.  So by 8 I decided I would get up but just close my eyes a few minutes more.  Sure enough I fell back asleep til about noon.  I did the salt water flush and (now that my battery is working....  I <3>

I can't believe I'm still eliminating that grainy solid stuff.  It's started to smell too ut not the foul smell that I read should be uh..smelling.  I think I am SO toxic it took about a week for the cleanse to begin (I read it usually starts after about the 3rd day).  The next time I do the cleanse (Oh yes... there will definitely be a next time) I will stay on it longer.  

I am seriously thirsty today.  I'm gonna make my first glass (probably 2) and drink some ice cold water.  OMG I'm thirsty.

9:50pm:  Again...  I can NOT believe it's been NINE days!  Okay...  Went to class... blah blah blah...had a drink.. I was really really hungry so now having another (6 today).  It didn't help when I opened my fridge to get the syrup and seeing some delicious meat in a ziploc bag... hah I don't even know what kind of meat it was.  All I know is that I want it.  

I only have two lemons left.  I went from getting too many lemons the first trip to Whole Foods to not enough the second trip.  I only need like two more so I'm going to try and track down organic lemons in Harlem somewhere so I don't have to go to Whole Foods.  It would just figure if I cracked the last day of the cleanse.  

My professor was eating her dinner in class before it technically started.  It almost killed me.  I think it was some kind of Halal.  Mmmmmm...  I can NOT wait for this weekend.  

My skin is SO dry.  Not saying it's the cleanse.  It's probably the weather.  But it's never been this dry in my life.  It actually hurts.  Especially my face (this is where my mother would say... "And it's killing me!").

Oh yea so earlier I was bored and lonely...what else is new... and decided since the cutie hadn't called me I would call him.  I decided to do the opposite of everything the old Kate would do.  The old Kate wouldn't call... so the new Kate called.  He was going to the gym and I said he could come by if he's bored after he could come by.  That was an hour and a half ago so I guess he's not coming... but at least I tried.  I don't care he's not coming and I am happy that I asked.  :-)  

12:05am:  Ahhhh  he called.  :-)  But this isn't about boys...  ahhh but he caaalled.  And he remembered tomorrow is the last day of my fast. :-)  He listened.  

I forgot to mention that when I was walking to school today I started to feel really paranoid and guilty for smoking weed before class... and then I was like... wait...  I totally DIDN'T smoke anything.  I felt like I was high.  It was really really weird and lasted a good hour.  

I am having major issues with going back to eating.  I like.. don't want to do it.  Obviously I want to eat cause I keep talking about it...  but I like that I'm losing weight.  I like that food isn't a part of my life right now.  I'm afraid to gain all the weight back.  I want to keep losing weight.  I want to get to my goal weight.  I've been saying this now for yeeears.  Now's the time.  God I really want to do it.  I just don't know how.  I need to come up with a new diet game plan.  Weight Watchers again?  That did work the first time.  I wish my mom would pay for the meetings.  The meetings definitely helped.  Calorie counting?  Or maybe just the Graduate student diet... which entails being dead broke and not being able to afford food.  Yea that sounds like the most realistic plan.  I hope I don't start smoking cigarettes to help with not eating.  Part of me wants to keep drinking the lemonade...  at least for breakfast.  I don't know why I haven't read anyone who just drinks the lemonade like once a day.  Is that pointless?  Is it harmful? 

Sleep now... or at least lying awake thinking of this guy's body.  You just really don't understand.  It's perfect.  That's also making me feel insecure... cause mine is totally not.  Agh.  I'll stop thinking about my body and just think about his... on mine. :-)

Day 8

3:51pm:  Agh I totally am uprepared for class and need to go search for the book I should have read and try and read it in 40 minutes so I'll be quick.

Woke up early... go me.  To a text from the cut boy nonetheless :-)  Went to Apple...  got a newer version laptop and doubled my RAM for free.  How?  I don't know.  So...  good day so far... except for the being unprepared for class...  :-(

I did the salt water this morning...  yuck...  and I feel like I just eliminated the salt water and not much solids.  One of the eliminations was like all mucus though so actually I take it back...  it probably was a good thing I did it.  I'll skip the tea tonight and do the flush again tomorrow.  Um what else...  Had 1.5 glasses before I left (I meant to have another but forgot but wasn't that hungry throughout my Apple journey) and now I'm drinking 2.5 more before class... up to 4 today.  

My old coworkers want me to come over tonight but its snowing and I don't have snow appropriate shoes and I'd rather not subject myself to watch people eating (I am so very thankful I haven't had to be with anyone and food... like my family... during this time... it's made everything so much easier)...  and the cute boy said he might text me.  So I don't know if I should go to my coworkers...go home and maybe the guy will call... I don't know... we'll see.

Oh yea speaking of family...  my aunt obviously heard from my mother (because nothing is left unshared in my family) about my doing the cleanse and she gave me props.  It felt good.  I bet she's jealous I have the will power... she's that type. 

So I'm acknowledging the fact that I've lost some weight (I won't know how much til I go home in 3 days).  But I feel like it's just a temporary thing and the second I put something in my mouth I'm going to blow up again.  But something occurred to me.  I'm really REALLY excited to eat again... and that was making me sad because I'm gonna get fat and be lazy like I was... but then it occurred to me... I'm excited to eat healthy foods.  I know now what it's like not to eat... so I definitely have an appreciation for all foods, even good for you foods!  Imagine that.  I will let myself be bad every now and then... let's be realistic.  But generally I picture myself eating a lot better.  I'm really hungry right now.  I am the hungriest at night it seems.... I wonder how much of this is real hunger and how much is boredom.  I'd say 65:35.  

1:08am:  Woooooooooooooooooo!  The cutie from the bus came over!  And we watched a movie.  And I let him pick...  and he picked......CLUELESS!  YAY!!!  I drank another drink...let him try it... thought it was way too spicy.  So I just took 6 laxatives and now have to try to go to sleep but I'm sure I'll just think of him.  :-D   

Oh yea...

TWO

MORE

DAAAAAYYYYYYYSSSSSSSS!

Day 7

12:52pm:  I totally screwed up my plans of waking up early...doing the flush...getting things done.  I was EXHAUSTED this morning I slept til 11:40.  I slept like a really really deep sleep and I just let myself keep going I felt I deserved it.  Sleep helps the body recover and heal itself so I thought I needed it.  I eliminated in the middle of the night and twice after I woke up.  The second elimination looks like all mucus.  Except there was something in there that could have been a parasite...  it looked like a worm kind of... or it could have just been a worm shaped poop.  My stomach hurts.  I'm drinking two glasses before I go to school to get some work then.  Ooooo but my stomach hurts.  I'm like doubled over.  It feels like stuff needs to come out but I just can't imagine anything is left in there too.  Oh yea... I skipped the salt water.  I could not bare the thought of it.  Plus I didn't want to hang around for a few hours while I eliminated because I have to get out.  I feel I'm eliminating more solids with the tea anyway so I think I'll do the flush tomorrow and see how it goes... if it's just liquid I'll go back to the tea for the last two days.   I am soooooo tired!  I feel like my eyes aren't open all the way and that the bags under them need a cucumber or something.  God how I would love to lay in bed all day.  But instead I have to do math homework that apparently a kindergartener should be able to do BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT.  It's so embarrassing.  Agh okay... I'm going

4:38pm:  Just got back from Whole Foods (which took way longer than it should have cause a building was on fire on 125th and the bus couldn't get through but I met a way cutie while waiting so heehee...  I for some reason even explained to him that I was fasting and that's why my breath smelled...oh god I'm an idiot).  Whole Foods was TORTURE..  seeing all that food and smelling all the smells and watching people eat.  I was like GET ME OUT OF HERE.  I can't wait to go food shopping there though after this is done.  But I should go to Trader Joes... I think it's a lot cheaper.  Oh I got a few oranges (4 for 6 frickin bucks...organic is so expensive and I am so broke) to eat on Friday.  I'm drinking 2.5 glasses.  I don't think I'll be able to have another glass before I get home from class at 10pm.  I'm going to be hungry and not focus. 

Okay that's another thing.  I am not focusing AT ALL.  I feel like when I do when I smoke a ton of weed the night before... like if I try to read, I'm just looking at the worlds, not actually reading them.  I thought this was supposed to make focusing better.  Maybe weed makes focusing better.  Maybe when I start eating again I'll start focusing cause I just can't continue like this.  Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to do this the first week of classes.  I already feel totally lost in every class and we haven't even really begun yet.  Okay going to school to "read" and then class.'

11:37pm:  I got back from class at like 10.  I totally don't remember what I've been doing since then other than I took a shower.  I'm like totally in a daze.  I had two glasses .after I got home and I'm having another 1 now (total of 7.5 today).  

My skin is really bad.  I have pimples everywhere and I never get pimples.  :-(  I hope it's the toxins rising to the surface in the form of zits.   I feel ugly.  But what else is new.  

1:08am:  I just realized I forgot to take my laxative tablets.  Agh.  I usually take them at about 9pm but I just took 7 now.  I really hope nothing happens at the Apple Store.  I'm doing the salt water tomorrow.  I'm really really hungry.  I'm getting really sick of this.  Three more days.  I've done 8, I can do 3 more.  I saw a commercial for Taco Bell.  That's what did it.  I am starving.  I can't wait til Saturday...even though my last day is Thursday... I'm letting myself have the Ruben Saturday.  I'm thinking of it like I was originally going to do the cleanse just for a week... so Saturday would be my good to eat day then.  I don't know that doesn't make sense.  I don't care.  I'm having a Ruben Saturday.  I think I would need to do the cleanse longer than ten days to really detoxify anything.  So I'm not feeling so bad about eating earlier than I should.  I'm trying to justify this.  I really just can't.  I don't care.  I'm eating the friggin Ruben Saturday.  Friday I'm going to have the lemonade in the morning... eat oranges throughout the day... and a salad with lite dressing for dinner.  Omg now Paula Dean is on Conan.  I am hunggggggggggggggggry.

Day 6

6:58pm:  Ahhhhh....  sitting (laying) down for the first time today.  Today didn't suck as much as I thought.  Got up early..disgustingly early...  drank two glasses before I left...  had another two at about noon...  drank 1.5ish when I got home.  My Smooth Move is steeping.

Last night I had a lot of dreams...well really nightmares... about food.  I woke up from each panicked.  And it wasn't until I was on the bus going to work this morning that I convinced myself they didn't happen.

One dream involved spaghetti and my Grandma.  I think she was yelling at me to eat some spaghetti and eventually talked me into it.  Another was my cousin bought me a Ruben and was like "I know it's a few days early but here's the Ruben it'll be right over here" and put it in the refrigerator but I misunderstood that as the cleanse is over and I can eat it now.  So when I had a big delicious mouth full I realized I had broken the cleanse.  I really thought I had screwed up this morning.  I was really confused.  I smiled so big like a freak to myself on the bus though when I realized I was still on track and good to go.

The lady I work for said I was her hero for being able to stick to this.  That made me feel good.  She kept saying "You must be so tired" because of the fast.  I wanted to be like "No... I'm so tired cause you're kids are totally insane and you have me running all over the place."  But I told her..and it's true...  I feel pretty good.  I'm tired cause I got really lousy sleep last night... but rather upbeat seeing that I haven't eaten anything in 6 days.  

I want to say that it's weird to not have eaten anything in such a long period of time.... but it just doesn't feel that weird.  Is that weird?  Is it weird to not feel weird that I haven't eaten anything solid in almost a week?  

I still am not convinced that this cleanse is having any effect on me.  Maybe I'm so toxic that it would take over a week to even start feeling the effects.  

Oh yea..  when I was taking a shower earlier I noticed that I have a bruise...well two bruises on my side... like on my waist near my hip.  They're totally blue and I can not imagine what they're from.  

8:51pm:  Just drank another 1.5 glasses (7 today).  My tongue is definitely gross.  My tongue occasionally is white and you can see my teeth marks on it sometimes.. like usually the day after a night of getting wasted...  but I just looked at it and it's for sure white and for sure gross.  It looks like it's hairy... if that makes any sense.  like the taste buds have little white fur on them.  I don't know why I'm having such a hard time believing that these are effects of the cleanse and not something else... like effects from just not eating.  I feel like your tongue would be gross anyway from not eating.  Like my breath.  My breath has been stank.  Whenever I don't eat my breath is stank.  So is it really the toxins rising to the surface on my tongue?  Or is it just cause that's what happens when you don't eat?

I talked to my grandma again.  Oh yea...  I talked to my mom while I was at work and told her I was on the cleanse after she asked me what I was going to have to dinner.  I basically got no reaction... but I told her I was proud of myself... kind of expecting a "I'm proud of you too" or at least a "good for you" or eeeven "good" but nothing.  I don't care if doesn't really matter to me.  I'm proud of myself.

I really think what's getting me through this is the thought of a Ruben at the end...  

11:26pm:  I eliminated a few times.  This is the most my stomach has hurt this entire time.  There is still solids coming out of me.  I don't know if they're technically considered solids but still.   And it smelled like lemons.  That's another thing.  I heard that your eliminations are supposed to smell totally foul but mine haven't smelled AT ALL.  Took 6 laxatives a bit ago.  I'm getting sick of this.  I can't wait to go home.